Neighborhood Watch: Suspicious Condiment Ever Present

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A Neighborhood Watch has been issued for all citizens in the Leashes Only district, following several accounts of a jar of horseradish that appears suddenly and follows individuals. While Neighborhood Watch officers have yet to encounter the jar firsthand, they are urging citizens to be alert and photograph the arrangements of their own condiment shelves and spice racks for reference should such information prove to be useful in this unfolding investigation.

 
The first report came from Josephine Jeffers, 32, who spotted the jar next to a stop sign while out on her daily noon-jog. Thinking little of it initially, she continued on for another block, only to spot what was apparently the same jar on the bumper of a maintenance truck. She told NW officers that she looked back to the stop sign she had passed, found that the jar was no longer there, and when she returned her gaze to the maintenance truck, it had once again disappeared. It was upon her return home that, while checking her mail, she found presumably the same jar, waiting for her in her mailbox.

 
This was when she heard it. Upon her discovery of the horseradish jar, she distinctly heard the ambient noise of turntable static. Startled by the jar’s appearance, she slammed the mailbox shut, and ran inside. She has not seen the jar since, though the static persists.
Since Josephine’s report, several others have come forward with other, similar stories. The brand of horseradish is unknown at this time, though a few witnesses vaguely remember a depiction of a torch and the word “breach” appearing on the label.

 
While each person who has encountered the mysterious jar is certain that it is a single entity following them, no one has seen it in motion, nor has it been spotted indoors. While citizens are encouraged not to travel around the Leashes Only district alone, it is not a guaranteed safeguard against the jar’s pursuit. Paul Mayers and Rachel Wu were walking together when the jar revealed its presence first to Paul on top of an electrical box, and twenty minutes later to Rachel when she noticed it from the window of the city bus, perched on top of the awning over Gil’s Salmoncraft.

 
Officers are focusing their efforts on the six square blocks between the Tesla Memorial Library and non-profit petting zoo where the ambient noise of record static has been growing steadily to deafening decibels over the last five days. Citizens are asked not to play any music on turntables until the jar’s motives are discerned.

 
So far, the appearance of the jar of horseradish has not been linked to the arrival of the second sun that has been looming over the Crowson house for the last two months.
Stay alert, citizens. And remember: the only way to know thy neighbor is to watch them.

 

This article was written by Kevin Harrington-Bain

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