Report: Middle Schooler Ruins Bible Study by Telling the Truth

Sources from within the small group at Waterdale Baptist Church have reported that this Sunday’s bible study was completely ruined by a local student admitting his sins and asking for prayers from his peers. “I come to church to hang out with my friends and play games, not look at myself introspectively and find a bigger meaning in life,” reported one student.

Area Man Forgets

There’s something I am supposed to remember today, but for some reason I just can’t. What could it be? I’ve been asking people as they pass me on the street, often scaring them slightly as I jog them out of their focus by directly questioning them ‘what do I need to remember today?’ But so far, no one has given me a good response and I am as confused as ever. What have I forgotten?

Scientist Develops ‘Minority Report’ Machine to Predict Which Bagels She Will Eat in the Future

(Newark, NJ) Today, in a huge step for the world of time travel and predicting the future, one scientist has done the impossible and developed an incredible invention we want to tell you about. The scientist’s name is Uma Gomez and she has created a machine that resembles what you would see in the 2002 film Minority Report. Only, she’s not attempting to stop crime for the PreCrime division of her local law enforcement, she is using the device to see which bagels her future self will eat. “Looks like I’ll be having a blueberry bagel with plain cream cheese tomorrow,” Uma says, glancing into the device. “Which makes sense, because I bought blueberry bagels and plain cream cheese earlier today.”

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