Report: Big Vampire Lobbyists are the Reason Why We Still Observe Daylight Savings

(Somewhere in Pennsylvania) Twice, every year, people around the country are subjected to the strange quasi-holiday known as Daylight Savings. In these glorious moments, we come together as a society to turn our clocks backward in the Fall and forward in the Spring, creating a non-zero sum game. Yet, despite its historic roots in farming and capitalism, modern Americans are sick and tired of making the days even shorter in the winter and many have sought to eliminate Daylight Savings entirely. In fact, only 28 percent of the population wants to keep changing the clocks, so why do we continue? Big Vampire lobbyists, that’s why.

Middle Schooler Ruins Bible Study by Telling the Truth

Sources from within the small group at Waterdale Baptist Church have reported that this Sunday’s bible study was completely ruined by a local student admitting his sins and asking for prayers from his peers. “I come to church to hang out with my friends and play games, not look at myself introspectively and find a bigger meaning in life,” reported one student.

Area Man Forgets

There’s something I am supposed to remember today, but for some reason I just can’t. What could it be? I’ve been asking people as they pass me on the street, often scaring them slightly as I jog them out of their focus by directly questioning them ‘what do I need to remember today?’ But so far, no one has given me a good response and I am as confused as ever. What have I forgotten?

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