Listen, all that I am saying is that I believe in nothing but what our Lord has taught us about climate change. Which is that it isn’t real. But when I discovered how I suck at everything I do, I knew evolution and science in general was all, if you’ll excuse my language, bull hicky. How could evolution allow someone like me to happen?

Don’t believe me. Here. Example. I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a friend I hadn’t seen since college. Instead of doing something normal and not suck at a basic function like talking, I yodeled loudly and hopped into someone else’s Uber to escape. I have never yodeled in my entire life. I have no idea what came over me. I am convinced that I am proof that there is a higher being.

You see, when I realized how much I suck, that’s when I found my friend Jesus. He doesn’t suck so that I can. And, by that logic, evolution is a liberal myth.

See you all on Sunday!