(Bowling Green, KY) A local man was seen today consuming an old banana in public and has been duly arrested and detained. Before consuming the tasty-yet-well-past-its-time nanner, local actuary and dedicated Trekky Flat Knuckles was seen shrugging, apparently deciding that the worst an old banana could do was something he could handle. He guessed wrong. Just before the authorities arrived to capture him, Flat was seen chundering into some nearby bushes with a violent flow. Apparently, the nanner had not gone down without a fight.
As investigative journalists, we made our way around the scene of the crime and collected eye witness accounts from those who were still there. Although they didn’t look like much, they would be the key to unlocking exactly what happened that would lead this man to commit such a heinous crime. The crime of eating an old bad banana.
Our first eyewitness identified himself only as Varc, “with a C,” he said. “I was just getting off the bus when I saw this man sitting in the middle of the park. I wasn’t going to pay him any mind, but when I got closer I saw that he was eating an old bad banana. Now, I’ve been living in Kentucky for long enough to remember when the anti-nanner law first came into place, but I guess this young fella didn’t get the memo.”
The next eyewitness we spoke to smelled of everything bagels and asked us to call her Marge. “Marge never misses a beat from her place in the library. The park is always being watched by the library, but sometimes Marge joins. Marge remembers this man. Marge knows what this man hides. Marge knows how this man ends. Marge does not pity him, but yet, there is something within her that has grown cold.”
We took a break after Marge, who had put us all in a fugue state, and went out to lunch. Over the course of lunch we made three more banana-related arrests and solved the crime of a missing lunchbox. The lunchbox was actually a Sin Orb the whole time.
Picking up where we left off, we got in touch with our next eyewitness, Graig. Graig is a third level agrarian and grows some potatoes in his yard at home. “I saw this man, this man who did not respect his food. He shrugged. He does not respect his fruit.”
So far, our eyewitnesses had not been very helpful in proving this man’s guilt when it came to the banana situation, but we had hope that a break would come. That’s how this job goes, you know? The ups, the downs. The late nights, the early mornings. The crushing weight of things I can never change, the strange lightness felt when upon realization that it doesn’t matter. This is what it means to be a Banana Cop.
Our big break did come in the form of a woman named Chloe C. Chesterton. Chloe is a widely known debutant and flitters about all over the place. Flitters, like a little bird. We asked her if she had the scoop and she told us that “the abyss of tomorrow has become the dark of today.” I knew immediately from her tone and gestures that we had found our guy.
Flat Knuckles was officially sentenced later that day and proceeds are planned to take place on the 4th. We wish him the best of luck with his trial, but he was kind of a dick when he ate that old bad banana, so maybe not.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hates bananas in all forms and is only of the only pro-nanner laws citizen in these here United States. Follow him for more banana rants on Twitter @NPEllwood.