Breaking: In Shocking Turn of Events, Straight People are the “Confused” Ones


This summer, *the* biggest thing hit the internet: Gay Icon Babadook.


Gay Babadook started when Netflix accidentally categorized the hit indie horror film The Babadook under the genre LGBT Movies and Tumblr did what it did best: collectively lose its dadgum mind.


The meme took off quickly, leaving queer persons and straight persons alike #babashook.




“I’m just like, super happy that there’s finally a gay character that I as a straight woman can relate to,” said a rail-thin woman who eats Whataburger breakfast every day. “I just feel like that’s so so important.”


While this new, more Straight-relatable character seemed to be a possible turning point for Queer-Straight relations, it seems that the only thing that The Straights have learned is that the ever-important “B” in “LGBT” stands not for bisexual, but for Babadook.


This information was gathered by me via a polling of random Walmart shoppers over the period of ten minutes. I would have stayed longer, but didn’t feel like it. The results were as follows:


People who think the “B” stands for bisexual: 3 Queers, aged 17 – 42

People who think the “B” stands for Babadook: 32 Straights, aged 15 – 64


After being told by me that the “B” did not, in fact, stand for Babadook, I received a variety of responses, such as:


“We’re just trying to be more open to listening to what the gays want. Don’t we   get points for that?” – Straight man who gawked at my boobs the whole time I talked to him


“But like, bisexuals aren’t real, right? Aren’t they just confused?” – Straight man with a carton of American Spirits in his shirt pocket


“No, they’re not confused, they’re indecisive.” – Straight woman to the Straight man with a carton of American Spirits in his shirt pocket


“This kind of attack on my interpretation of anagrams is exactly why I voted for Trump.” – Straight man who clearly doesn’t know the difference between an anagram and an acronym


Perhaps one day our society will grasp the concept of bisexuality; for now, though, it seems that we Queers will just have another thing to snicker about.






This article was written by Maggie McAlister, who is going to laminate her Bisexual Membership Card at her earliest convenience. She hears it gets her great discounts at the local Target. Follow her Twitter @madmaggs21.


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