I believe it was Kurt Vonnegut who once said that he loved how Lot’s wife looked back upon her city being destroyed because it was very human of her, while some feminists wonder why those who wrote the Bible forget to include her name. However, I, as someone who suffers from anxiety, can only wonder what would happen if the same fate were to befall me. I’m not sure why I would be turned into a pillar of salt, be it by some god or a malevolent wizard, but I want everyone to know right now that if this should happen, I want you to use me to zest up a nice, warm soup. Consider this my last will and testament.

You might think that this sounds like a selfless act, but I must let you know that it is not. I am only asking to be put in a warm, zesty soup because I wish to be immortal. Now, this might go over a few of y’alls heads or whatever, but trust me that the science checks out. So, first I turn myself into salt, haven’t worked out those deets yet but I figure it will just come to me. Next, I get myself put into a soup. From there, I slowly transform from a single-celled organism into a full blown parasite, which then allows me to take over my host. Now, instead of being just one person, I become several.

From here, I repeat the cycle until I take over a significant portion of the Earth’s population. I plan on keeping a certain amount of friends around to entertain me, since being alone in this world seems awful boring. I hope that with enough influence I will be able to finally make world peace a reality and explore more than 3% of the ocean. The world peace is really secondary here, I just want to explore more than the 3% of the ocean we have already looked at. Have you heard? 3%!

So anyway, please join me in donating to ExploretheEntireOcean.gov and figuring out what is going on down there! Also, don’t forget to put me in your soups!

That’s it.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is fearful of the ocean and just about everything in this article is true. Juuust about. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.