Will the Algorithm Decide if You are a Good Little Lad or a Dirty Naughty Boy?


In the Year of our Lord 2018, it is no longer realistic to believe that our lives are anything but a line of computer code in the massive system of interconnected stimuli that makes up a God figure and our collective universe. Any other theory, in my humble opinion, is just plain wrong. Unfortunately, due to the randomness of this life algorithm, it is impossible to know from one day to the next what type of world you will encounter. This has lead many of us to wonder: will the algorithm decide if I am a good little lad or a dirty naughty boy today? In this article, we attempt to find the answer.


First, some quick backstory on what we are talking about when we talk about algorithms. As you may know, a series of interconnected software and devices come together to create algorithms. These algorithms predict almost everything about our lives, from the food we eat to the shows we watch to the books we read. Without algorithms, we wouldn’t have ways to show the world who we are. Without algorithms, we essentially have no identity.


What this unfortunately means is that when the algorithm decides, it can lump us into categories we may not even like or appreciate. I once started receiving numerous advertisements on Facebook for a machine that could produce 5 fish filets per minute. While I was obviously impressed, this particular ad wasn’t relevant to my interests, so I kept scrolling. However, I still think about that machine every couple of nights, wishing I had acted differently.


This, at the end of the day, is what the entire internet boils down to. Are you going to be sorted into a category of fear, chaos, and slime, or a world of joy, happiness, and sunshine after rain? We have no say. The algorithm decides. The algorithm knows best.


In the end, all you can do is hope that you will be chosen by the algorithm and seen as a good little lad destined to fulfill an unknown purpose. Really, this is what we are all looking for every time we refresh Facebook and check our Twitter feeds. We want to be acknowledged for the good we have put into the world and not reminded what horrible, dirty, naughty things we have done. I, for one, know far too well what kind of rabbit hole this can create.


And yet, the algorithm is inescapable. Repent now and give up your soul. Soon, you will no longer be left the choice.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is in Dallas at the moment. What a city. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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