Taking Privacy Seriously: Mark Zuckerberg Vows to Personally Read Every Facebook User’s Private Messages


(Menlo Park, CA) Over the last few years, everyone’s favorite social media site has been taking heat for a smattering of reasons. Most of these issues have been related to privacy concerns, specifically in regards to mining, harvesting, and then selling user data. Hoping to quell fears for stakeholders and stockholders alike, Mark Zuckerberg took to his personal Facebook page late Wednesday to pen an essay expressing his love for privacy and all things sacred and secure. He even went so far as to pledge, no, vow his intention to personally read ever single Facebook users personal messages. Finally, someone is taking privacy seriously.


We wanted to get an expert’s angle on this, so we reached out to a few internet spectators and pro-privacy activists to hear what they had to think about Zuckerberg’s latest attempt at being relatable and good at his job. Here’s what they had to say.


Judy D. Bones, Privacy Expert. It’s really pretty simple actually, we here at Privacy for Americans believe that no one should have to wonder who is reading their private messages. Now, no one will have to wonder, we’ll all know that Mark Zuckerberg is and he seems pretty trustworthy, right? He went to Harvard, after all, I’m sure he’s got enough brain to go around. 


Goliath Gemini, Speculator. Are you kidding me? This is inane. I don’t want anyone to know how many gardening meme groups I am in on Facebook, much less how often I directly message with the moderators to learn their tips and tricks. Oh what a world. What a beautiful world that I do not want Mark Zuckerberg and his billionaire ways anywhere close to. And that’s that on that. 


Hozier Von Clements, Security Engineer. We’ve been doing this at Google for years. We simply have one intern read every single Google search, match that with everyone’s individually tailored profiles, and calculate the data to figure out which ads to run from 2-5pm on Tuesdays. It’s really pretty simple and couldn’t be more safe for the user. 


Julia Steelport, Inquirer. I’m sorry, but when did we surrender to the fascists? I thought this was America, damnit. We don’t put up with people who think tyranny is a more efficient form of government, who attack progress for the sake of it. We are moving forward with our lives and Facebook isn’t going to be a part of it. Fix it or you won’t have an audience for all those ad buyers, and we wouldn’t want that, right? 


Mark Clothier, Internet of Things Developer. Oh really, you actually want to hear my opinion? That’s a first. This sounds sarcastic, but I’m actually a very earnest guy. Just, no one really asks me questions. Probably because they don’t understand what I do. Oh, privacy? No, I don’t really know much about that. Most of the devices I work with could be hacked in two seconds by any 6th grader. Just don’t tell my boss that. 


Jill Brant, Internet Explorer. Just do it already, I’m so tired. I can’t really afford to care any more without losing my mind, so might as well just give in, right? Giving in sounds so good, so easy, so simple. And yet, I know I couldn’t do it, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I guess I’ll just have to continue on for however much longer is left. See you around, buckaroos. 


Personally, we just hope he enjoys seeing the sweet nothings I send my spouse all day at work, because that’s gonna be about it. Thanks Mark!





This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has been hacked by Mr. Robot but won’t give in. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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