Men and women, white and black, nerd and jock, these words are used to divide us but also give meaning to certain parts of who we are. Some believe we should get rid of labels, others think they keep things in order. Us? We believe that the order is fine, we just are a little upset about the way things have been handled. Continuing in this regard, I wish to address my fellows nerds in the room and greater world we live to speak directly to you. We must have a common goal and work together to shake off these shackles of The Order. Basically, this article is for nerds only, so if you’re a jock, scram!

Hmm, let me think, in order to gain your trust I need to make sure you know that I am a nerd also and not just some poser trying to pull a fast one. Let’s see. I love Star Wars, obviously, but did you know that I have a small miniature figure for every character in the entire series that I hand painted myself? OK, still not good enough, let’s see what else we can do. Hmm, OK, here we go. I have never been to a sports game in my life, unless you count MLG gaming, which I wouldn’t. There, good enough? OK, let’s continue then.

So, I believe as nerds we can all agree that jocks have been getting away with this ruse for far too long and we are in desperate need of a systemic change in the way things are done. Jocks have been privileged, arrogant, and better at sports than me for far too long and we need to talk about it. Not with them, obviously, but about them, absolutely.

I personally hate jocks and am not afraid to say it. We deserve better than these beefcakes taking over our gyms and ruining all of our nice grass fields. I mean, personally I never leave my house so it’s not like I am necessarily missing out on these things, but the idea that I might is enough to make me squelch.

I am writing a letter to the highest power of all (Christ) to demand that he rid this world of jocks as soon as possible and return us to the natural order we have been begging for. Banish the jocks, uplift the nerds.

Consider this a declaration of war. See you in the forums, comrades.

This was scribbled and otherwise jotted down by Nathan Ellwood, the man, the myth, the smellscape. Follow him @NPEllwood.