Hi there, Big Jim here with a certified, 100% fresh opinion for you. Now, before we get into it, I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Jim Henshaw, but everyone just calls me Big Jim because I’m kind of a big deal in the circles I run in. I have been a part of every homeowners association that has ever let me in, I love to golf, and I spend most of my time between these two hobbies or down at the local bookstore trying to sell kids my soon-to-be best-seller, Talking Jim. And yet, even with all that going for me, I find that most millennials don’t care about Big Jim, much less my opinions. Well, I have a question for them: why are you always on your phone then unless you’re talking about me specifically?

Yeah, that’s right, I see you millennials and your ways. Big Jim is onto you, big time. Everywhere I go in this world, all I can see now is young people on these small little devices. Some of them talk into them, others where headphones to avoid social interaction. Listen, if Big Jim has a comment he wants to make about something, you better have your ears at the read to hear what I have to say. Instead, you are walled off from any sort of camaraderie all because you love podcasts more than new friends. Yeah, I said it.

Almost every time I see a millennial engaging in this enraging behavior, I just know they’re talking about me on their phones. I’ve seen the tweets, calling me “Old man farts-a-lot and “James.” Ugh, you drive me nuts!

I have even started confronting millennials that I see on the street, which these days seems like most of the commuters so I have my work cut out for me. When I see them pull out their phone in my presence, I hold it firmly with one hand while pointing confrontingly with the other. I say to them in a terse tone, “You talking about Big Jim?” Most of the time, they are very confused and either yell in fear or simply yank their phone from my grasp and go on their way. I haven’t decided which one fills me with rage more quite yet.

My entire life people have been talking about me, so I find it incredibly hard to believe that none of these phone-loving millennials aren’t talking about me. They have to be, right? Doesn’t everyone love Big Jim? Yeah, they totally do. Doubt is the enemy and I just won.

Sent from my iPhone.

This was written by a ghastly millennial named Newt. Follow him @NPEllwood.