Hi there, welcome to your free conference call with Slipspace Conferencing. Your call will begin shortly. Just sit back, relax, and get ready for what is sure to be an exhilarating conversation. Today, you will be speaking with sales engineer and high-level marketing champion Vic Bonswick. Over the course of the next hour and ten minutes, he is going to explain to you exactly how the universe works, what it’s functions are, and generally the type of experience you can expect. At the end of the call, he will try his best to sell you on living in this universe and offer you with a variety of packages to fit your needs and price range. Are you ready to begin?

 

“Hi there, this is Vic Bonswick. Pleasure to have you on the call. Now, can you see my screen?”

 

…

 

“Sorry, Vic again here. Are you there, user 5134728? I want to show you my presentation, but first I need confirmation that you can see my display. Can you see my screen?”

 

…

 

“Literally any indication at all that you can see my screen is all I need. See how I am moving my cursor over the oblivion hidden in this 7/11 bathroom? It should be obvious, it’s just above the beast’s seventh mouth. No? Hmm, I’m not sure if I am authorized to move forward without a verbal confirmation. Again, can you see my screen?”

 

…

 

“Well, seeing as I am a being who exists outside of time, I am in no rush to end this conference call, but as someone like yourself who exists on the delicately finite material plane, you really should be taking this opportunity seriously. Our universe has so much to offer. If you are watching my screen right now, you would be seeing all of the joyous colors and emotions and beautiful things that make this universe worth living in. Yes, you will be able to see emotions when we are done here. I just can’t tell you anything until you answer my simple question, ‘Can you see my screen?'”

 

…

 

“Your loss I suppose. I simply can’t show any more of this wonderful presentation until I know that I am talking to a real life human person. We can’t have animals or robots finding out about this, about what the universe has in store for its select few. They would get so jealous. No, this was something just for you and now it is spoiled like a flower left in the dusk. You couldn’t see my screen and now your fate is your own to deal with. Don’t come crawling back to me when life goes awry, I’ll be long gone.”

 

– The host has ended this meeting –

 

 

 

 

 

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who saw the webinar and knows what lies within the beast’s maw. Follow him @NPEllwood.