What’s up, consumers? It’s Bob’s E-World, the only independently-owned electronics store open after filing five bankruptcies. 

Black Friday is just over a week away, which means you can buy things for yourself just one month before other people buy things for you. So sick! We are truly living in awesome times. I hope nothing bad ever happens to us as a species. We’re so rad! We should live forever. God—if you’re reading this—don’t kill us!

Anyway, you’re probably already getting a lot of doorbuster deals in your inbox, so we just wanted to tune you in to our five best Black Friday deals you don’t want to miss. 

It’s okay if you trash this email: we’ll send you one every hour and intermittently until the sale is over.

A Full-Priced Roomba That Definitely Works, $399.99

Listen, we know that Best Buy is discounting their Roombas by 50% for Black Friday, but honestly? Do you trust a Roomba that they would practically give away? Wouldn’t you rather have something you know will work? Take our Roomba, for example: we will be offering no discount on it. That basically means that you can trust ours twice as much as Best Buy’s. 

We’re so confident our Roombas work that we’re not even a little bit concerned that our temporary holiday employee Brad, a local teen who is probably in high school by now, dropped a stack of Roombas off a dolly he was racing against coworker and my nephew Nathan. We just put them right on the shelf and moved Brad to the CD department, which we plan to close next week. 

No returns will be allowed.

Just a Big Ol’ Bundle of Compact Discs, $20 flat

Speaking of CDs, we still got ‘em. We have called record companies multiple times to stop sending us CDs because we are 100% unable to sell them and 100% somehow still paying the record companies for them through an obligatory contract we signed in the 70s. Unfortunately, none of our calls are getting through. That’s good news for you, though! We’ll be selling big ol’ bundles of CDs now through Black Friday and until we inevitably close for good. 

Don’t know whether you want Korn’s entire catalog or just some various Barry Manilow compilations? No need! We will literally be throwing these bundles into your shopping cart as you approach the cashier so that you don’t even know what jewelled cases hit you.

Recalled Juuls, Free

Speaking of jewelled cases, we have Juuls! Our owner Bob keeps up with the news and he wants all associations with e-cigarette companies severed. We’ve tried explaining to him that we can’t get in trouble for selling Juuls when we have nothing to do with the manufacture of them, but Bob has been frankly a little scary about getting rid of these things.

iPhone 4 Cases, $4.99

Honestly, this one’s on me. I’m in charge of inventory and every time I try to order cases for the new phones, I keep accidentally ordering from my purchase history before I realize it’s just more iPhone 4 cases. Please keep in mind: we do not carry iPhone cases after the 4 and will not be able to until we sell these.

A Guy Who Can Take a Look at Your Broken Electronics, $15 per consultation, $10 an hour after that

If your computer, phone, or other electronics are broken in some way, we have a guy who can take a look. We don’t want to speak to his qualifications, but, again, he can take a look. No guarantees, no refunds.

Alright, that’s a wrap on Black Friday deals! We’ll see you next Friday, and hopefully on other days! Bob’s E-World! Please do no forget we exist!

Steve

Inventory Specialist, E-World Email Blaster