(Dallas, TX) After years of research and hands on study, a new report has been published on the behavior and actions of police across the nation. Funded by the A California Academy Bakersfield, the study revealed a slew of fascinating insights into the controversial profession. For example, did you know that 65% of police officers have never eaten a grapefruit? We know it sounds bizarre, but according to the surveys done in every state, it remains true. However, by far the most confounding and unexpected find of the research was that most cops are just some guy. Like, a normal, regular dude.


Why is this unexpected or confounding, you might wonder? Well, I don’t know about you, but throughout my life, most of my experience with the police has been through TV shows and movies. I mean, just about every movie or TV show has a cop, even if it isn’t cop-centric. And while there are comedic cops and dramatic cops, when the time comes to spring into action, they are trained, ready, and prepared to take on the task at hand.


In real life, cops are just some guy. I say guy not to be sexist, but to be accurate, in that 87% of police offers are men. But when we say ‘some guy,’ we’re not talking about guys who are rich and famous, great talents, or whatever. We’re talking about the guy who always shows up to your party that you kind of know and don’t want to be offensive too, but he always has a weird vibe and before it’s too late he’s drinking your lava lamp. You know?


Take for example, the recent terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol. If this were a movie, one of the capitol police would have sprung into action like Jake Peralta or Rust Cohle, single-handedly saving the day. Instead, the reality that they were just normal guys could not be more apparent as they were overwhelmed by the white supremacist mob. You don’t expect the guy who always wants to play beer pong to save you from an angry mob. More than likely, you expect to see him as part of it.


All of this is coming straight from the report by the way. They got weirdly specific, but they thought it would strengthen their case.


Moral of the story: Next time you see a cop or have a run in with one in your daily life, remember he is just some guy. And if you aren’t getting what I am saying – that should terrify you.