Hey sport. We were really hoping it wasn’t going to have to come to this, but it looks like the only way you’re going to learn is if we finally face this head on. The group has tossed it back and forth on our group chat you’re not on. I guess now is a good time to apologize for that, too. But, to be fair, that group text only exists because of this situation, and it’s the only thing we talk about on there, so don’t feel like you’re missing out on any inside jokes. That’s not the point. The point is this:

Cereal isn’t a party food, and you need to stop bringing it.

At first we sort of thought it was a joke. Oh, haha, everyone else brought wings and beer to eat while we watch the Big Game, and you brought Froot Loops and a gallon of whole milk. And maybe it wasn’t helpful that a couple of us even poured a bowl. I even did it unironically; you know I love Toucan Sam, especially after everything he’s done for my family.

But then you made it clear it wasn’t a one-off goof. Awards shows, pre-games, tailgates, Mardi Gras, birthdays, New Years for God’s sake. Haven’t you noticed no one ever touches the stuff? I mean we really figured you’d take the hint after so many nights of tucking an unopened box of Cookie Crisp under your arm and lugging a full jug of milk back to your car. Read the room. Wings, chips, salsa, sliders, deviled eggs, popcorn, heck, even regular-sized, non-cereal-ified cookies. I’m sorry if I’m coming off as harsh, but I gotta be firm about this because it’s kind of a big bummer for us. We’re trying to party down, but the vacant stare of the Trix Rabbit is constantly boring into the back of our heads from the unopened box on the table. We don’t want to be bad friends, but we also don’t want to eat cereal, and we definitely don’t want you to keep thinking that cereal is an appropriate party food. I don’t know what other friends you have. Maybe they, like you apparently, gotta have their Pops. But maybe they’re in the same situation we are and are just too afraid to say anything.

Look, I know this is all a lot, and we really don’t want to hurt your feelings. Plus I figure it may be hard to stop cold turkey. We just want you to be back with us. So we’ve talked it over, and next week we’re gonna have a theme around the Big Game: Saturday Morning Football. All of our food will be breakfast stuff.

You can bring all the cereal you want. It’ll fit right in, and we’ll all be happy again. All you have to do is wake up so we can do it.

Just wake up.

Please.

We need you.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.