The Time-Bending Mystery Behind Dippin’ Dots, Revealed

When was the last time you had a bowl of Dippin’ Dots? It was likely at a mall, carnival, or sporting event, right? Well, there is a very specific reason for that and why the ‘ice cream of the future’ has flown under the radar all of these years. You see, we’ve been on this story for years and only are comfortable sharing what we discovered now that we have unspooled this mystery and discovered the meaty truth at the center. Are you sitting down? Because you are not going to believe what we have to say.

It all started when we realized that outside of a handful of locations, we have never seen a Dippin’ Dots booth, store, or distribution center. Every time we had seen Dippin’ Dots in our lives it had been amongst a sea of other attractions. Almost as if the booths themselves are completely self-sufficient and only latch onto malls or baseball stadiums as a sort of parasite, extracting hard-earned cash from the hungry consumers within.

But when we started digging more into the booths, we realized that almost all of the malls or carnivals where we had seen Dippin’ Dots had no record of an ice cream shop ever having been operated there. At first we thought it was a mistake, assuming they had filed the business under frozen yogurt or gelato instead. Yet, as we continued searching, we could find no such evidence that Dippin’ Dots had ever set up shop there, despite clear memories in our mind of eating them in those locations.

Imagine our distress when we went to visit one of the locations we had previously seen, only to find a blank floor space or a ‘for lease’ sign. When we asked other vendors what used to be there, most of them denied a response, and those who chose to answer told us that ‘it’s not our business to know what goes on there.’

It wasn’t until the fifth location we tried that someone finally took us aside and asked to talk off the record. We of course obliged. Here is what they had to say:

“I’ve worked here since the early 80s and I remember when they first told us that a new ice cream shop was opening. Apparently it was going to ‘revolutionize the cold cream industry’ and ‘launch us into the future.’ We thought the whole thing was a gimmick. Then, one day I was here with a skeleton crew late at night and there was a bright flash from that area of the mall. I went to check it out and saw three humanoid beings stepping into the Dippin’ Dots booth. Seconds later, there was another flash and they were gone along with the booth around them. Over the next 30 years, I saw this happen dozens of times, but I never told anyone because I didn’t think anyone would believe me.”

As far as we can tell from this testimony and other odd occurrences near DD locations that seem to have no logical explanation, the slogan ‘Ice cream of the future’ is very literal. We believe that time travelers from the future are coming back in time using Dippin’ Dots’ cryogenic freezers and then returning to their present.

Since the travelers know that these desolate malls and carnivals have low attendance but will never close, they know that they always have a nearby getaway if they need it. It’s really quite brilliant.

Our only hope is that us telling you about it won’t affect anything in the space/time continu-

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