Scientist Develops ‘Minority Report’ Machine to Predict Which Bagels She Will Eat in the Future

(Newark, NJ) Today, in a huge step for the world of time travel and predicting the future, one scientist has done the impossible and developed an incredible invention we want to tell you about. The scientist’s name is Uma Gomez and she has created a machine that resembles what you would see in the 2002 film Minority Report. Only, she’s not attempting to stop crime for the PreCrime division of her local law enforcement, she is using the device to see which bagels her future self will eat. “Looks like I’ll be having a blueberry bagel with plain cream cheese tomorrow,” Uma says, glancing into the device. “Which makes sense, because I bought blueberry bagels and plain cream cheese earlier today.”

The original idea for this invention came to Uma while she was trying to decide what to do with her life. She had been studying physics and various subjects related to that field for years, but never felt like it was going anywhere. That was when she realized that all she really wanted to do with her life was eat delicious bagels.

For awhile, Uma forgot everything she knew about science and devoted her time instead to trying to become a bagel foodie influencer on Instagram and YouTube. She would buy a handful of bagels every day, eat them with different spreads, and then review them for her small but growing audience. Unfortunately, after only a few weeks, she had exhausted her bagel options and flavors, with hardly much to say for it other than an Einstein’s sponsorship and 1,200 followers.

Realizing that she didn’t have a unique feature to tie in with her bagel consumption for mass appeal, Uma decided to combine her passion for bagels with her physics knowledge to develop the device in question. Now, Uma can not only see a life full of bagels in her future, she knows exactly which bagels she will eat and when.

“I know that the last bagel I’ll ever eat will be an everything bagel,” she told us. “With honey almond spread. I know never to order that unless I want to die soon after. That’s the trick – knowing when you’re emotionally ready for a bagel and when you’re not.”

As it so often does, the ability to see the future makes it less exciting. “I have already catalogued every bagel I’ll ever eat,” she continued, wiping tears from her eyes. “Part of me wishes I could still be surprised by bagels, but I guess that time has passed. I guess our lives really are predetermined. At least I’ve got a million followers though.”


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