Eritas followed up this weekend on a series of reports flowing in over the past few weeks from the Hampshire City Recreation Fields where supportive, albeit soccer-illiterate, mother Debbie Lands has been cheering on her daughter Avery for the duration of the season. Other parents, players, and referees have noticed that Debbie’s shouts from the sidelines not only reveal that she possesses only a cursory grasp of the game, but also that she’s “going crazy for real,” according to single father and professional smell tester, Donny Bluings.
“We get it. Everyone wants to show up and encourage their kid.” Bluings recounted. “But eventually the traditional ‘let’s go!’ and ‘good effort!’ start to lose their luster. It’s like sniffing an old office chair: pretty good, but you know you can go deeper.”
And go deeper, Debbie did. She began to adopt more acceptable, though notably niche analogies, to shriek at Avery, her thirteen-year-old daughter who is interested in STEM fields and Chet from her Language Arts class. Sources confirm that Chet “has a good head on his shoulders, but would still get embarrassed if a girl beat him at a sport.” Debbie tried out such phrases as “Unhitch the trailer!” and “Take the saddle off!” to refer, of course, to Avery’s needing to run as if she were entirely unburdened, like a truck without a trailer or a lizard without a saddle.
However, these encouragements soon grew dull, and Debbie began exploring other yelling options. At one game, she told Avery to “Dip the corn dog!” more than once, and at a semi-final, she shouted, “Devastation liberates the hidden eye!”
Unorthodox yawping from the sideline has become commonplace from Debbie, other formerly concerned parents explained. “There was one game where she just shouted the entirety of the prompt text from Oregon Trail. The kids couldn’t focus on lining up for penalty kicks because she was shouting ‘YOU HAVE DIED OF DYSENTERY’ for a full minute and a half.”
As a new season of soccer approaches for Avery’s age bracket, all eyes are on the Landses. Avery is reportedly excited to put out her best effort on the field, as well as try out a new pick up line on Chet.
“Hey,” she rehearsed, “I have never burped, but I would be willing to try for you.” She seemed satisfied with the line, excitedly predicting, “Yeah, that oughta put some pep in his step, if you know what I mean.”
We, unfortunately, did.
But as families prepare to return to the fields, all minds and eyes are on Debbie. At press time, she was last seen laying prone along the sideline, covered in mossy camouflage, practicing a new lineup of comments. “This season will be great for Avery,” she assured Eritas. “All she needs to do is watch the field and weigh the moon.”
This article was written by Kevin Harrington-Bain. He is not a soccer mom, yet. Follow him for more on Twitter @kkevinb