Breaking: VP Mike Pence Retreats into Silken Cocoon, Will be “Woken When Needed.”



(Washington, D.C.) In the few weeks since the inauguration, not much has been heard from the Vice President. That doesn’t seem likely to change as today Sean Spicer has told the White House Press Pool that the Veep will be retreating into a silk cocoon of his own construction and will not be available for comment. “He’s going to be in there for a while and we best not disturb him. I will, however, be taking questions for him and doing my best to spread the appropriate misinformation.”


“Yes, Nathan Ellwood, Eritas Daily, is Mike Pence a moth?”


“That’s still to be seen. We don’t want to report anything until we have looked over the large accumulation of data first, everyone knows that,” Spencer replied, dodging the question and pointing to another reporter with a shaking finger.


“Gilp Longren, CNN, who will be performing the duties of the Vice President while Pence absorbs the nutrients that he was collecting along the campaign trail?”


Spicer was now visibly shaking at the podium and had begun to sweat profusely. “I guess that would be whoever is around? I am not sure on that one. Our data has not told us who will do that. Maybe Bannon could fill in, if he doesn’t have anything else going on.”


“Yes, Nathan Ellwood again, is he a moth?”


“Next question. And please refrain from using the words “moth” and “slime trail” in any further questions, at this press briefing and in the future.” The last word in Spicer’s response, “future,” seemed to be more of a growl than anything and it was obvious he was trying to regain his composure.


“Hi yes, Lonnie Brooks, Buzzfeed Quarterly Commuter, you said, and I quote “Pence will retreat until he is needed,” could you clarify what you mean by “is needed”?


“Well right now, as you all know, POTUS is calling his own shots and has no need for his VP. However, a time may be soon arriving when POTUS won’t be calling his own shots and might need to retrieve Pence from his cocoon. I think that’s what he means, or at least that is what Bannon whispered into my soul-receiver last night.” Spicer was noticeably losing control of his bodily functions, simultaneously sneezing and performing lunges on the stage. “Regardless of who told what to whom, what we need our stricter boarders! More vetting! Less fake news! That being said, I will take one more question.”


“Nathan Ellwood, is the Vice President of the United States a living, breathing insect or moth and not, in fact, a human as we have all been led to believe?”


My question was not answered however, as by the time I had gotten it out, Spicer had collapsed onto his podium, knocking it, followed by his own hefty body, over and onto poor Deidra from WashPo. As the White House Press Secretary began to shiver and convulse on the floor, the press conference was brought to a close and my colleagues and I were sent to the re-education wing. All that I was shown was a video that was being shown on a 1920’s film projector that displayed the words “NOT A MOTH” for a full hour. Apparently the Veep is not a moth, but we will let you know more as the story develops.


This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who sends his deepest regards to the family of Deidra Brinkman, who is in intensive care. We are sending a “Hope Your Sludge Recharges” note around the office and will be sending it over soon. Follow Nathan for more on Twitter @NPEllwood


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