Following a controversial tweet on Monday that “all negative polls are fake news,” President Trump is under fire from a group of polls that prefer to be called “realists.”
In an exclusive interview with Eritas, a poll that showed people could “do without” the new Pop-Tarts flavors explained why Trump’s words are dangerous: “So sometimes we show that people aren’t over the moon about something,” the Pop-Tarts poll said. “That doesn’t mean it isn’t reality. I think people tend to see negative polls as pessimistic or cynical, but look: if a glass of water is half-empty, I’m going to call it that. There’s no reason to mince words to protect feelings. No one needs an Orange Crush flavored Pop-Tart, and that is both a metaphor and not.”
A recently retired American Idol poll that showed fan favorites wasn’t pleased with the tweet either. “What is particularly distressing about Trump’s words is that us negative polls used to be the realest polls in the room, and now this human Play-Doh wants to say we’re not even real. I know some polls he would not want to run into in an alley after that comment.”
President Trump’s tweet came after literally every poll except for those on Breitbart or Fox News showed less-than-favorable presidential polling numbers. “I think it’s very unfair,” said Trump, who dislikes protests, popular votes, and people who generally oppose him. “I have this accumulation of data that I review very carefully, and this data tells me what I want to hear. These polls are not saying the same things, so I can only assume they’re not real. It’s a total media hit job, orchestrated by these pessimistic and very fake polls. Sad.”
“I think that what it shows is a lack of people surrounding him who are willing to say what polls will,” commented a poll that unanimously showed that people could go the rest of their lives without another Fifty Shades sequel. “Sometimes you gotta grab a guy by the collar and scream, PEOPLE ARE PRETENDING TO LIKE YOU TO ADVANCE THEIR OWN INTERESTS YOU MUSHY SWEET POTATO.”
In response to this outcry from the so-called Society of Realist and Realest Polls, President Trump met and posed for pictures with a poll that asked people if they were happy with their cable service. However, this meeting only caused a greater uproar from realist polls, as they pointed out that this poll was conducted by an organization at the mall that would give free ice cream cones if respondents answered favorably.
The cable service poll could not be reached for comment, instead spamming the author’s inbox with twice-daily DirectTV ads starring Rob Lowe.
The Society of Realist and Realest Polls has scheduled a rally for Saturday, but Press Secretary and future little league football coach Sean Spicer is already claiming that the polls who protest have been paid to march by left-wing advertisers.
This article was written by Ben Taylor, who votes the opposite of his true feelings in online polls so that advertisers can never figure out his buying preferences. Follow him on Twitter for more misleading personal information at @therealbenshady