Insider Scoop: Conservative Christians Plan Next Big Boycott


After being mostly responsible for electing President Trump in 2016, conservative evangelical Christians have been taking a lot of heat from critics. After all, their new leader has already denied human rights to Muslims, transgender students, Native Americans, and women, and probably will not stop until the U.S. is just one large white frat party.

One would think that conservative Christians would want to fly under the radar for a bit, but they have taken the opportunity upon themselves to capitalize on their final four years in the sun. They’ve boycotted Starbucks, which did quite the number on the corporate coffee giant, experiencing an uptick in what baristas everywhere are calling a “very welcoming environment.” After this success, conservative Christians boycotted the musical Hamilton, which “reports absolutely zero changes in sales” since the boycott began.

Now, conservative Christians are preparing for their biggest takedown yet: Mickey Mouse.

After learning that Disney’s live adaptation of Beauty and the Beast contains what some are calling a “gay scene,” Trumpian Christians are rejoicing at the chance to withhold their money from the studio that bravely decided in 2017 to include a gay character.

Paul Strong, a spokesperson for the conservative Christian group in your neighborhood, had the following to say of the boycott: “It is high time we say enough is enough to all of the things Jesus denounced in the Bible. Name a place in scripture where that man hung out with gay people and I will show you that you’re reading liberal media fake news sources proclaiming to be the Bible! Let me introduce you to something called the GOSPELS, and no, it isn’t written by the Huffington Posers!”

Strong, who was looking forward to seeing Beauty and the Beast with his men’s devotional group, said that any man caught seeing the film will be banned from their weekly pizza nights indefinitely. Greg, a father of four, had already purchased tickets for his family to see the film before the controversy broke. Greg promised to get a ticket refund and take his children—all under the age of 8—to see Hacksaw Ridge.

“You think these brothers aren’t going to feel the burden of missing out on some serious fellowship?” Timothy, a fellow men’s grouper asked. “Let me tell you something, we get deep into the Word and then we get deep into the snacks, am I right?!” (Timothy high fives another men’s group brother after this zinger.)

When asked what conservative Christians hope to prove in boycotting Beauty and the Beast, Strong believes “that our point will be pretty clear.” Asked to clarify what point will be made clear, Strong gives a knowing look and responds, “I think it’s pretty obvious. It’s going to be a doozy on those goofy sinners.” (Strong demanded this pun be included in our quotation of him.)

Paul’s men’s group meets every Thursday at Ezra Johnson’s house. This week, they will be watching “everyone’s favorite,” American Pie.

This article was written by Ben Taylor, who once got into an argument with Belle at Disney World about who had read more books. Follow him for more on Twitter @therealbenshady

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