(Hollywood, CA) Today on International Women’s Day, March 8th, women and allies plan to act together for equity, justice and the human rights of women and all gender-oppressed people, through a one-day demonstration of economic solidarity. In this spirit, many women across the country and globe are going on strike and not going into work. The idea is to show the world what a day without half of the population would look like.
In this same vein, many employers have pledged their support to the women that they employ, telling them that they have their back and that no ramifications will come from them taking time to demand respect and prove a point. We applaud these employers for their bold step in supporting their employees.
However, in an attempt to one-up other industries and employers, the film industry has announced that they have decided to observe this “day without a woman” every day of the year. In a press release put out by Paramount Pictures early this morning, they proclaimed that “women shouldn’t ever have to work. We want them to have the freedom to pursue whatever their heart desires, so we are now putting in strict rules across the board against hiring women.”
When asked for more clarification from president and CEO of MGM, Craig Dufrain, he said “It’s pretty simple, actually. We ran the numbers and looked around our studios to see how many women we would lose during the general strike and oddly enough, the numbers were very low. So I got some of the other higher-ups from around the industry and we decided that since women obviously don’t want to be in the film industry, we are going to stand with them and help them pursue their dreams outside of Hollywood.”
“But what about all of the women who do want to work in Hollywood? Not only as actresses, but directors, make-up artists, camera operators, and writers?” asked Gilby Stenson, a reporter from the New York Grimes.
“Like I said, obviously women just don’t want to be in those positions, otherwise they would be,” Craig laughed, musing to himself, “it’s not like there are systemic problems with the film industry that lead to less opportunities for women across the board, that would be preposterous.”
Along with this announcement, MGM has also announced that they will be making another Magnificent Seven movie, this time with even more men. They also plan to invest heavily into whatever Michael Bay’s next acid trip delivers to our cinemas.
In a follow up interview, we asked head of Paramount Pictures Goldtooth Sebuki what they are going to do about having no female actresses in their films. “Here is the really cool thing that we are doing, I don’t think it has been done before. All of the roles in all of our movies, including the female characters, are going to be played by men! Have you ever heard of someone doing this before?”
“But wouldn’t it be easier to just have women play these roles? Or at the very least you could write gay characters in as the romantic interest, that way you can have men play men?”
“Trust me, we have thought this through, it will be fine. Plus, we don’t plan on having many female roles in our films to begin with. Obviously women don’t care about film, otherwise they would be making movies. Duh.” As Mr. Sebuki said this, he bit into a pickle and used his hover board to make a quick getaway.
It’s too early to see what this drastic change in the film industry will bring to our screens, but we can’t help but feel a little bit proud that such a large industry is taking such a huge step for feminism and for women, even if no women were consulted on if this would be a good idea or not.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is not a woman and obviously today is not about him. Follow some amazing women on twitter from this list below:@rgay, @BreeNewsome, @thetrudz, @FeministaJones, @Nettaaaaaaaa, @MichelleObama, @lsarsour, @AkilahObviously, @laurenduca, @TiscarenoSara, @IssaRae, @eveewing, @arleniebeanie, @brielarson, @TraceeEllisRoss, @iSmashFizzle, @miel, @DanaSchwartzzz, @taylorcrumpton, @ava, @Luvvie, @MaraWilson, @LaurenWardReed, @Lavernecox, @mmmmackenzie, and so many others.