(Allen, TX) After a vigorous eleven-week investigation, Eritas Daily has an exclusive story that is sure to be spread like wildfire because it’s a real doozy. We have uncovered the fact that there is an alarming amount of fish people living in our water towers. Now, you may be asking yourself, what? In answer to that and more questions, please follow our helpful guide for what these new amphibious neighbors of ours mean for the good city of Allen.
In order for you to understand the nature of this story, we must go back to the beginning, a very good place to start. We were originally tipped off to the idea of illegally inhabited water towers by our fish people correspondent, Downtown Brown the Clown. DBTC has been a longtime friend of Eritas and told us via Chatroulette video conference that there were fish people living in her water tower. We, at first, were not sure how to respond. Usually such a bold claim is met with thunderous applause, but we were so completely paralyzed by fear that we simply let our mouths hang agape.
“What’s the matter with you?” asked Downtown Brown, “Looks like you’ve seen an Armadillo.”
“First of all, don’t you mean ghost?” we asked.
“Do I?” replied the Clown with a grin across her face.
“Okay. Well tell us more about the fist people.”
DBTC then launched into a long tale of betrayal and friendships lost, ending with her claiming that she would not sleep until the fish people living in the water towers were brought to justice. One of the main takeaways we got from this tirade was that the fish people are apparently rabid Trump supporters. She later sent us a picture she claims is proof of this claim.
This is obviously very alarming, as Allen was a small part of the giant red stain across our state in the election. If what Downtown claims is accurate, there could be some fish people voter fraud happening that could mean trouble for our nation. Once we learned of this, we dove headfirst into our investigation.
The first three weeks were mainly spent just trying to figure out who to call about going to look inside of a water tower. Apparently, water towers are not owned by the state, which has always been my assumption, but they aren’t own by a private entity either. Upon some further digging, it turns out that no one even knows where water towers came from or how they are maintained. Or, maybe we just got lazy and kept forgetting to call them because of social anxiety, but that’s not as fun of a story.
With a permit in hand, we scaled a local water tower to do some investigation. Upon reaching the top, our head of product design Glorch Filburn got woozy and fell off the side of the tower. Don’t worry though, thankfully Glorch was wearing their proper safety wingsuit and glided down to the bottom nary a scratch. However, upon experiencing this exhilarating flight off the tower, our dear friend Glorch has moved on to base jumping full time. If you are a product designer looking for work, please let us know.
The rest of the team took turns jumping into the water tower, careful to be wearing goggles and carrying flashlights. However, after investigating the tower we found zero evidence of fish people. Over the next few weeks, we searched a number of surrounding towers and have yet to find a single fish, person, and mix of the two.
We went back to the Clown and asked her what the deal was and told her we were like super upset. She told us, “Don’t you see, they are smarter than we are. They all voted for Trump to try and make us destroy ourselves, all the while they are hiding away in their reinforced concrete towers just waiting and scheming. Trust me, they were there, they are just good at hiding.”
While not everyone was convinced, we still had on more stop to make. DBTC had given us a location to check that she believed was the headquarters of the fish people are quite possibly where gods walked amongst the normies. She sent us to Ethel, Missouri. On our drive into town, the only way I was certain we were still in 2017 and not back in that time loop that took us to 1937 was the Mountain Dew soda machine our front of the corner store.
In the center of the town was an enormous water tower, twice, if not three times the size of your typical water tower. We began our climb and just as we were about to reach the top, I looked through a tiny window that was set near the ladder. It’s hard for me to put down to keyboard what happened next, but I will try my best.
Inside the water tower was a dining hall of enormous size, stuffed to the gills with fish people eating together and celebrating. I saw families happy together, I saw new romances forming and old friendships solidifying, and what I saw most of all was happiness. I could not in good conscious continue on our witch hunt, so I told my team that there was nothing in the tower and we all drove back to Allen.
Whether the fish people who live in our water towers are truly out to get us, or are simply a misunderstood group of fellow beings that deserve our respect and their privacy, we may never know. What we do know for certain is that they are in our water towers, and they are Trump supporters. Do with this what you will.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, with help from Kaitlyn Brown. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood and follow her on Instagram @kebrowns