OOPSIES: Week of March 27th, 2017

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Here at Eritas Daily, we strive to hold ourselves to the highest level of integrity. In the world of journalism, you never know who is in cahoots with Russia but the answer is probably everybody. In our efforts to maintain a certain standard of accountability, each week we will make corrections to posts after more information is downloaded to our brains every night.

 

In Monday’s post on a teen rager that turned into an emotionally intimate moment among friends, the author hijacked the actual story about the rise of feral cats overtaking suburbs to practice his personal prose. Citizens of all suburbs are asked to treat cats with respect to remain on their good side and walk the other way when they see large groups of cats congregating on sidewalks.

 

Since Tuesday’s post on digital signs telling drivers how they will die, new information has come to light on the widespread message that everyone would die by eating Lay’s. It appears that this was a political smear campaign by Lay’s largest competitor, Ray’s, a chip made by the sun and sporting the appropriate tagline, “too hot to eat.” Approximately everyone who eats Ray’s dies immediately, so convincing drivers that Lay’s will also kill its consumers was an honorable-if-baseless attempt to keep all people from eating any chips ever again.

 

After Wednesday’s post on a new activist who wonders when recognition will come for his brave political actions, several new activists who “get it” formed their own coalition to recognize themselves. Said spokesperson Thomas Beard, “It’s time new activists stand up for ourselves and say that what we’re doing deserves the frequent pat on the back and constant encouragement from people we need attention from. How are we going to know we’re doing right if someone isn’t constantly shouting our accomplishments back at us?” The group expects to draw “more followers than Jesus in his early career.”

 

Thursday’s post on the fish people living in our water towers reported that these fish people are rabid Trump supporters. New information shows that Trump tweeted a promise to fish as early as 2015: “I will make sure all humans are eradicated so that fish people can work for me and make big time deals! Count on it!” The fish people have since learned that Trump was lying to them and has zero interest in doing anything that would benefit them personally, but do not currently possess the reasoning skills to abandon their undying support for him. They merely said the whole thing is “fishy” and immediately mumbled an apology for the pun.

 

The product designer job posting has been filled.

 

Kevin reported on the grade schoolers passing notes from Trump to Putin under the assumption that he would receive immunity. If this is not the case, let’s forget he said anything and go back to that perfect moment before we ever thought this world was ours to hold.

 

The authors regret these and other unspeakable mistakes, for which we are currently under investigation but are willing to stab each other’s backs in exchange for something like a guiltless conscience.

 

This article was written by Ben Taylor. If that’s who you wanted to write this article, good. If not, too late. Follow him for more on Twitter @therealbenshady.

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