It’s our 100th day, and you know what that means: free beans in the cafeteria.
That’s right, folks. For the next half hour—which will have passed by the time you read this—you can get free uncooked beans that are relatively nonperishable if you’re not hungry right now.
Look, we get it. It hasn’t been the best start. Some of the locals are feeling the growing rage of civil unrest. They have broken two refillable Starbucks cups that would’ve saved us a lot of money if we had been able to cut them from our budget, but some social Justin warmongers have spoiled our mocha frappe chill.
Whoa there. Let’s not too get political at the staff party, Phil O’Wily.
I’m sorry. This isn’t how I wanted to celebrate 100 days. Truth is, things haven’t been going so well lately. For starters, my partner left me for another country. My Netflix subscription canceled after three months of not taking its recommendations. I’m not sure I work here.
What am I getting at. Here it comes:
Free. Beans. In. the. Library.
Okay, yeah, let’s say it: you think I’m drunk at the staff 100th day party at 9am in the morning. Where do you get the right. Let me tell you something that it is going to come as a shock to you: I’m. Not. Drunk. And. Who. Has. A. Staff. Party. At. 9am. What. Are. They. Hiding.
You’re the drunk one.
That’s right. This morning when you asked for coffee I spiked it. I spiked the whole pot before anyone got to it. If you thought that was just Folger’s, you forgot the first rule of Folger’s: you do not talk about the best part of waking up. You do not expect your day to get better after this.
Everyone is currently drunk at this party, except for Meredith, who is an alcoholic but doesn’t drink coffee. You think I didn’t account for Mer-Bear? I’m not an insensitive prick. God. You really have never cared about Meredith, have you?
I know this is the point you call security. Don’t. They’re drunk too. And not from the coffee. Why do you think none of them drive to work.
Where did my question marks go, and related: have you seen my car or car keys or wallet or desk. Answer any of the following and I will let you see Janeane’s browser history.
Let’s do and say we not, am I right? Woop, there’s the mark of the bees.
This article was written by Ben Taylor, who has a bean allergy that prevents him from eating many of his favorite foods, including burritos. Follow him for more on Twitter @therealbenshady.