The first thing you need to do in order to fully appreciate a good depression meal is go to the store after receiving your pay check and buy a bunch of fruits and veggies. Ideally, you will have done this about two weeks ago. Now, go to your fridge, pull out a pre-packaged salad kit filled with mold, and just throw it away. You now realize none of your fresh produce that you purchased two weeks ago is good anymore. This regret, this sadness: this is where depression meals are born.
Your next step is to survey the fridge for tasty alternatives. You find a quesadilla left over from the other night, you open the to-go box and realize it was actually last week. Quickly tossing away your leftovers you thought you would eat, your supplies are now much more limited.
There is some bacon in the top drawer, but again, the freshness is questionable. You put those aside and decide to check the freezer to see if you have a frozen meal you forgot about. Alas, you ate that for lunch and now the sun is setting on your nothing day. You do find the last two Eggo’s in a loose sleeve, so you bring out the toaster and pop those in at toaster level four.
Not to go all George Banks and get on a soapbox or anything on you here, but why does Eggo’s sell ten (10) waffles in each package? Do they expect you to eat them two (2) at a time? Two (2) is not nearly enough to fill anyone up, so obviously you eat another two (2), equaling four (4). Then, you do the same thing the next time and what are you left with? Two (2) Eggo’s that sit in your freezer until the next time you get Eggo’s, but by the time you do that, the old Eggo’s that have been sitting in your freezer are no good, and the process repeats.
THERE IS ROOM IN THE BOX FOR TWELVE (12) EGGO’S, KELLOGG’S! JUST FIX IT YOU COWARDS!
Anyway, your Eggo’s are finished and you pop them on a paper plate. Now, you scan the counter and pantry for any syrup, but again you forgot to get more last time you ran out. What you are left to do is eat the tiny waffles like they are giant chips, laying on your couch, watching the Office.
Two hours pass and you are hungry again. You go back to the fridge, just hoping beyond hope that somehow it was restocked, but you find it exactly the way you left it, sans Eggo sleeve. Now, you recheck the top drawer and find some shredded cheese you didn’t see before. Success! You are going to make a tasty quesadilla, way better than that old restaurant quesadilla you threw away earlier. Way better!
Again, you realize you forgot to get tortillas at the store and you never buy chicken because you are scared of cooking meat. What you do remember, however, is the half-full bag of chips you always have in your pantry, so you go and get those. You then lay out the chips on the same paper plate and spread shredded cheese across. If you are feeling a little hungry, add another layer of chips and cheese for an added crunch.
Throw that delicious creation in the microwave for about 45 seconds or so and there you have it: your very own depression meal. For those of you who weren’t following along at home, the list of ingredients was:
- Two (2) Eggo’s out of a ten (10) waffle sleeve.
- Shredded cheese
- Half a bag of chips
- Paper plate, Wal Mart brand
Thanks for following along with us on this fun guide. Check back next week when we are going to walk you through a subject close to all of our hearts, “How to Write a Professional Email without Crying.”
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who encourages everyone who thinks they are dealing with depression to seek out professional help, whether that means seeing someone in your school’s counseling center, talking to your doctor, or seeing a therapist. Follow him for more depression humor on Twitter @NPEllwood.