“What up, MTV? Welcome to my crib,” said Donald Trump, which was, unfortunately, not the strangest start to an interview that our reporters have experienced. After calmly explaining to the 45th president of the United States that we were with Eritas Daily, not Music Television, we followed Trump inside to the foyer, as he bobbed his head and repeated, “Okay, okay, sure. Weird joke, but you’ll see. Come on in.”
“So,” Trump began, motioning around the entrance foyer, “this is where people usually enter. You’re familiar with the door.” Here, he raised his hand to bring our attention to the door which we literally just walked through. “Great door. Keeps the people who need to be out out and the people who need to be in in. Love that door. One of my favorites. Anyway, this is where people usually stand for a while to just sort of soak it in.”
“Um, soak what in?” I asked, hoping for a window to begin the interview I’d intended to conduct.
The president made a “pfft” sound at me and did that thing with his eyelids and mouth. You know the thing. Sort of like if a lemon had a disappointing birthday party. That thing. “You’ve got weird jokes, man. I like it. I don’t understand it, but I like it. Sorta like being president,” he rambled, waving us down the hallway, slumping along in his Digimon house shoes.
“So, Mr. President, I was hoping you might have some comments on the situation with FBI director –” It was here that he interrupted me to say:
“Listen here, you one-eyed yuppie*, you’re not here for me to answer questions, you’re here for me to show you my crib! The only mention of the FBI I want to hear today is the FBI warning slide that comes before Oliver and Company which I watch Every Day. And you won’t get to join me for today’s viewing if you keep nosing around and asking questions about the Federation of Bee Insiders, so how about you lay off the questions, huh? Do you want to see the rest of my crib or not?”
And before I could say no, he led us into the next room.
“This is the dining room. As you can see, there’s a yuge TV right over there,” Trump pointed to a 60+ inch television that dominated the room’s space. “I know what you’re thinking: is that where I watch Oliver and Company? Not yet! We’ll get there, we’ll get there, I know you’re eager!” I wasn’t. It was also at this moment that I realized that each time he spoke, he would look just over my shoulder, as if into a camera which wasn’t there. “But no, this TV is reserved only for the hard-hitting news. I watch it during every meal which I have carried here by drone from Trump Tower in New York. But you want to know my favorite part? Look at this!” Trump then stepped aside to reveal a young boy, probably 3rd grade or so, sitting in one of the seats. His name, he later told me, was Curtis. “I make it a priority every day to share lunch with a student from around here who’s on free or reduced lunches. I figure if a free meal doesn’t make them perform better in academics, which is the sole purpose of human beings eating, maybe a free meal with the president will!” Curtis is one of the brightest in his class, and also proofread this article.
“Moving on,” Trump continued, as we moved on, “This is the oval office. This is where it all goes down. It’s sort of like my own personal palace, and in a lot of ways, I feel like it’s actually meant just for me, and me alone. No one else knows what goes on in here, or how that might affect others.”
“Actually,” I interjected. “Some would say that the oval office being round means there are no corners to hide in.”
“Well yes, as you can see, there aren’t any corners, and it’s very open.”
“That… Is not what I meant. At all.”
“It is my own, safe, invisible egg of unaccountability.”
“That’s the opposite of what I meant.”
“Get out of my egg.”
With that, the secret service took me by both arms and hauled me away, back through those familiar front doors as I heard the sound of Trump humming “Why Should I Worry” behind me.
Cribs airs Tuesdays at 8/7 PM central on MTV, and this particular episode airs every night at 6 on Fox News and is available to stream any time on the Fox app.
*I do not have one eye, not that having one eye would be anything to be ashamed of.
This article was written by Kevin Harrington-Bain who has misunderstood many metaphors made by George W. Bush. Follow him for more on Twitter @kkevinb.