Breaking: FBI Busts Globe Flattener, Continues War Against Flat Earth Society

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Today, the FBI raided a mans home in Dallas, TX as a part of an ongoing undercover sting operation to recover what local police have said is an excess of roughly 4.6 million dollars worth of model Globes stolen from various local retailers over the last 18 months.

“It’s just astounding” says police chief, David O’Neil Brown. “After a rough interrogation session spanning over 16 straight hours we learned the man had plotted to meticulously flatten each of the 400,000+ globes and return them to the retailers in protest of claims made by scientists, that the earth is in fact round. We knew he stole them we just didn’t know why.”

Newly appointed FBI director, Andrew McCabe, failed to comment on why the operation took so long to execute, as local officials claim they had substantial evidence including Facebook posts, photos, and video surveillance that John Waller, 43, had been stealing truckloads worth of novelty globes as early as 2 months into the alleged crimes.

Users of popular Internet forum Reddit speculate that McCabe and the newly appointed Members of the Trump administration sympathized with Waller’s belief that the earth is, in fact, flat and not round.

Press Secretary Sean Spicer wasted no time responding at an emergency press conference, stating, “These allegations against the newly appointed and best FBI director aren’t only stupid, but they’re dumb. Everyone knows, the FBI has better things to do than raid a house with incorrectly made globes, for example firing everyone in the FBI who accused Trump of having ties to Russia, DUH!”

When a reporter from the Post tried to highlight a conflict of interest, Spicer stormed off the podium and violently threw a piece of buttered toast at the press.
Sources close to the local police are reporting that all novelty globes stolen were apparently manufactured and shipped from Russia, adding serious tension to the issue of how Waller was able to steal so many, so easily.

More to come as this story develops.

This is the first article written by friend of Eritas, Omar Ghaznavi, who may or may not be Batman. Throw up the old bat signal if you want to hang out with him.

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