Hi. Welcome to our new segment, Dear Abraxas. It’s like Dear Abby, but you get to ask your questions to a real life hellgoblin. Let’s get to our first Q.

Dear Abraxas, why won’t anyone watch my twitch stream of me blogging? (Joann, 67, Jacksonville, FL)

I will answer your question with a question: why would anyone watch that? What makes you different from Slimetony or that guy who taped himself watching anime? Twitch has mainly been made popular by people who stream themselves playing video games. The reason people watch this is because things are happening in the game, whereas with your stream there is no added benefit to viewing it vs. just following you on Tumblr. Dumb question. Next.

Dear Abraxas, what can we do to fight cyber crime? (Melanie, 8, Scanton, PA)

A little too deep for me on this Thursday morning so I’m gonna saying nothing. Nothing is what we can do because the threat is so overbearing.

Dear Abraxas, Brandon is my friend and we have been going out, but he likes my BFF Jimmy Dean more than me. How can I win him over? (Dev, 22, San Fransisco, CA)

Listen friend, you need to let Brandon explore his identity. It may be that right now Jimmy Dean is more capable of meeting his emotional needs due to factors outside of your control. My advice is to let him go and hit up his ex-girlfriend to make him jealous.

Dear Abraxas, what can we do about Y2K? (Danny-Jo, 46, Tulsa, OK)

Sometimes we receive messages from the 90s. We aren’t exactly sure how this happens but this is obviously one of them. We don’t have to worry about Y2K anymore because King Slerm took those needed for his harvest and told us he wouldn’t need another sacrifice for 1000 years. Bullet dodged.

Dear Abraxas, what lies beneath the Stone? (Bloodfroth, N/A, Seattle, WA)

I am not authorized to tell you what lies beneath the Stone. All I can repeat is this prepared statement by the Order of the Moon Hounds who claim dominion over the Stone and it’s surrounding area.

Do not fear the Stone, for the Stone protects us from what lies beneath. The species before us has passed on a fatal flaw. No longer will the harvests of man provide for the sons and daughters of man. The famine will be devastating. The hunger will be all-encompassing. Do not fear the Stone. Do not fear the Stone. Fear what lies beneath.

Dear Abraxas, how do I know if my boyfriend is being faithful? (Josie, 17, El Paso, TX)

First, collect from your garden a dried tomato, a basil leaf, and a spearmint bloom. Then, put each of these ingredients into a mason jar and grind them up with a power drill. Upon dismembering the fruit and greens, dump out the horrid mixture and look at the bottom of the cup. Whatever appears at the base of your cup will tell you all that you need to know about your boyfriend’s affairs.

Dear Abraxas, how do I tie a Windsor knot? (Geraldine, 77, Des Moines, IA)

• Start with the wide end of the tie on the right and the small end on the eft. The tip of the small end should rest slightly above your belly-button (this will vary depending on your height and the length & thickness of your tie). Only move the active (wide) end.
• Wide end over the small end to the left
• Up into the next loop from underneath
• Down to the left
• Around the back of the small end to the right
• Up to the center, towards the neck loop
• Through the neck loop and down to the right
• Across the front to the left
• Up into the neck loop from underneath
• Down through the loop you’ve just created in the front
• Tighten the knot by pulling down on the wide end. Slide the knot up and adjust.

Dear Abraxas, how can I bring more visitors to your website? (Jennifer, 23, Asheville, NC)

Just like in real estate they say “Location, Location, Location.” In the marketing biz we say “Clickbait, Clickbait, Clickbait.”

Dear Abraxas, will the suffering ever end? (Germy, 24, Waco, TX) 

Oh sweet summer child, you know the answer already.

 

No.

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has been the voice of Dear Abraxas for the last 37 years. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.

 

Also huge shout-out to my friend Maddie George who created the Dear Abraxas logo, which I am going to put on a t-shirt one day.