(Scanton, PA) It was a typical Thursday afternoon at the office and Sharon had just sat down for a meeting in the conference room. Others had shown up early. Some were still leftovers from another meeting, slowly packing away their things. A few were doing their best to make zero noise as they snuck into the meeting, but in so doing they were always very noisy. It was right at that moment, as she was taking her usual seat (back right, corner chair), when the smell hit her. It was reckless. Sharon glanced around the room, measuring everyone’s reactions and she thinks she know who did it. Let’s hear what Sharon has to say.
“The first question I always ask myself,” began Sharon, “when dealing with a situation like this is: was this me? You think back on the previous ten seconds, somehow struggling to remember what your body was doing, and think ‘Huh, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t me. Sweet.’ This, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is where all investigations begin.”
“The next people I observed were the people seated at the table,” she continued. “George was sitting to my right, but he was a good friend who I could trust not to crop dust me, so he was safe for now. I figured I could circle back to him later if need be.”
“To George’s left was Alex, who looked a little nervous about being a part of a meeting, but they always looked that way. Nerves sure make me gassy, I don’t know about y’all, but I was pretty sure I had my first suspect. However, I couldn’t linger on every Nervous Norman with IBS, so I continued to Glenn. Glenn was a usual suspect under usual circumstances, but just as I had entered the conference room I overheard him telling Alex “I’ve never once done that during a meeting, that’s gross man. I can’t believe you would say that.”
“I watched Lie to Me. I knew the signs. It definitely wasn’t Glenn. At least, not this time around.” Sharon stopped to sip her water.
“Ahh, Dasani. Okay. What was I talking about? Oh right. So that took into account everyone at the table, now there were only three more people to examine. Ryan, Vicki, and Frank.”
“Let’s start with Ryan,” Sharon was really building up this story, but she is a natural salesperson so who can blame her. “Ryan was getting up from a long meeting and didn’t seem to be in a hurry to get out of there. I think he could have been fighting whatever he had had for lunch and wasn’t sure if needed to sit for a minute or make a run for it. The meeting had lasted almost an hour, that would be a long time. I found all of this interesting, but I kept moving.”
“Vicki was next. She had been trying to sneak into the meeting and was accidentally spilling coffee all over the place. The coffee was an obvious tip-off, but upon closer examination I could tell she had not had any yet. Sometimes just the smell can do it, but I didn’t find enough evidence there to look further.”
“Finally, we come to Frank. Frank had never been the same since the notorious devouring, but he was a sweet old man who was infamous for his work in the bedroom, so not someone who would go about spreading his wind all over the gaff. I crossed his name off.”
“I circled back to George, Alex, and Ryan. I realized then that it was definitely Alex because I mean honestly, what’s that kid got to lose? And that was it. Case closed.”
Wow. That’s why Sharon is the best in the biz. Thank you again, for sharing your story with us.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who basically just wanted to write an episode of The Office and this happened. Also this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever written. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.