(San Jose, CA) I was born Phillipe Respecting Women Gonzalez, Gonzo to my friends. For a long time, my name was simply that, my name. However, when I got to middle school, I
got tired of spelling out “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” for my teachers. Everyone would always bust out into that legendary Aretha Franklin song and it made me dive into this new Gonzo personality I fabricated for myself. It wasn’t until last year that I really listened to that song and fully understood it’s message. Now, Respecting Women isn’t just my middle name, it’s also what I do.
I wake up every single day, flawless, but not more Flawless than my beautiful wife or our glowing, celestial queen, Beyoncé. I look over at her and tell her, “I love the way you wear your sleep beanie, it makes you look cute as you wake up,” because it is important to compliment women on something they choose for themselves, instead of a physical attribute that they might have mixed feelings on.
I then go to my job as a ride-share driver, working for a company that donates all of its proceeds to a local women’s shelter and doesn’t allow any of their drivers to talk to anyone. It’s a long day, but someone’s got to get these women around town. I hate small talk anyway.
Ideally, I would like to find a position where I can Respect Women full time, but as you can probably guess, there isn’t a lot of demand for that under our current administration. I could be an extra on The Handmaid’s Tale, but I don’t look good in drab.
I then spend my evenings blogging from my position as a man in a patriarchal society, using my privilege for good and never deviating from the course. I meet my wife at home after and give her a foot massage while she tells me all about her long day at the library. I then tell her funny stories about the people I met, and then we make dinner together by reading a recipe with pre-packaged ingredients from Blue Apron. We are not sponsored by Blue Apron, but their product seems cool so why not.
After dinner, we join our friends at a local brew pub and play Trivial Pursuit: 1981 because that is all they have available. The year the game was made was before any of us were born, but you know us millennials, we sure love beer and board games. Way more than silly things like buying houses and green superfoods, perfect for toast-spreading, that’s for sure.
After the pub, we call the same ride-share company that I work for to pick us up and take us home because A., we both had a little too much to drink and forgot to eat lunch earlier, and B., I get a discount with them and I wouldn’t want to help out a competitor because Keep San Jose Weird and all that. We used to have Uber here, but then we heard how the female drivers were treated and we haven’t used them since. Hopefully they don’t use any of my saved files for anything.
Once we are home, we take turns showering because our apartment is what I would describe as “affordable,” but we don’t mind. It gives both of us a quick minute to ourselves after a busy day to think of things to tell each other while trying to fall asleep.
I hope that Respecting Women will continue to be a booming industry so that I can not take advantage of it and let women lead it, because, duh, that’s the entire point. I am so glad my moms gave me my name, it’s like they knew that it would lead me to what I was born to do, Respect Women.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who ate the last breakfast taco. Sorry. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.