(Omaha, NE) It was Monday morning. The emails had been sent out the previous week and the message had been spread. The email on Friday said explicitly, “Do not forget about this over the weekend. I know we maybe shouldn’t have done this on a Monday, but we are all adults who can remember things, right?” And everyone had said yes, which is why I am telling you now how disappointed in you I am. For this might be the worst office potluck of all time. By my count we have nothing but 16 bags of chips and some paper plates. Pathetic.
As valued employees of this company, Intercorp expects you to at least kind of care about your job. We give you air conditioning and a working computer, what do you have to complain about?
We know that our policies on taking vacation might be “strict,” but we believe that our employees enjoy their time off even more if it feels like they are being released from our some kind of hold. Like, you know that moment in Shawshank Redemption when he’s crying in the rain? That’s how our employees feel every time we let them go home.
Now, back to this abysmal potluck that you scum have brought in for me today. Don’t you know that I feed off of your offerings? I have dedicated myself to this company and I haven’t left the office in close to 16 months. I organize these little potlucks. I sent out the e-vites. I rely on you for your pigs in blankets and tiny ham sandwiches. How am I supposed to live, which of course I mean work, if all you bring me for sustenance is nothing but measly chips and paper plates.
You are stressing me out so much that while writing this, I have already eaten seven of the bags. We are down to only nine bags of chips left and I am not allowed to organize another potluck for another 14 business days. According to Intercorp policy, without the intervention of a third party, Managers are not allowed to plan potlucks at a frequency below two weeks in Business Time. I need to convince someone to organize a potluck so that I can have something other than coffee and salt packets for my meals.
I once had to survive on nothing but what was in the office, popularly known as the “Business Diet,” which mainly consists of coffee and salt packets, but if you are lucky, might include the occasional Nature Valley bar. Is the mess worth it? Absolutely not. But you do what you gotta do. Anyway, so back in ’08 we had to hit a massive sales quota and I didn’t eat anything but coffee and salt packets for three weeks. My doctor’s say that those three weeks alone took eleven years off my life. I don’t really care though because, I mean, I wouldn’t be working during those years. So like, who cares?
I have now eaten all except one bag of chips, which I left for last hoping I wouldn’t have to eat. Who likes and brings Mustard Madness Sun Chips? I hate you. If no one suggests a picnic soon, I might be Extinguished and Let Go, as they say. Although, I never seem to see people who get Let Go. I mean, I haven’t left this building in over a year, but before then I never really saw anyone other my co-workers. It was like we didn’t know how to talk to anyone about anything but work. That was when I realized, why even talk about anything other than work? I was basically doing it anyway, why not just give in?
Ever since, I’ve been way happier. Well, what I mean by that is I go through severe bouts of depression that last anywhere from one to six weeks, which are then followed by extreme happiness that lasts for maybe three days, followed again by a severe depression. So when I say that I am “Happy,” I mean that I feel happy in the way we imagine a hammer is “Happy” when it is hitting a nail.
Oh well. I wasn’t born to be happy, I was born to work. And the great part is, I have 40 more years of work to look forward to! Hurrah.
But seriously, could someone bring in like a Costco Rotisserie Chicken or maybe some bagels to tide me over until the next potluck? That’d be great.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who forgot his thing for the potluck because he literally never reads his emails. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.