A couple of years ago, things in my life were going nowhere. I hated my job, the days felt too long, and my wife and I were on the ropes. I just felt so helpless about my future and it seemed as though there was nothing I could do to fix it. But then, a good friend of mine who I only know as “Cloaked Figure Bravo,” told me i should consider being swallowed by the Void. I am so glad that I followed his raspy-breathed advice, my life has completely turned around!

 

As a firm believer in the Void Swallowing Method, or VSM, I want to tell you the 6 benefits of this method and how it has turned not only my life around, but my marriage too.

 

1. I learned patience. 

 

It was the Void that first taught me the true meaning of patience. Patience without expectation. Patience focused on love. I learned all of this from the Void and its profound silence. Its utter indifference.

 

2. I came to understand compromise.

 

The Void next taught me the meaning of compromise, and how to unrelentingly refuse to compromise in every situation. I am now steadfast in every opinion that i have. No one stands a chance against my overpowering will. My word is law.

 

The wife thinks this is sexy. Thanks Void.

 

3. I truly comprehend how to love. 

 

Through the soul-crushing dark of the Void was I squeezed and shaped. I was drawn and pulled. I was pounded and battered. By the trials of the Void I learned how to love, why to love, and whom to love.

 

4. I know a simple recipe for a vegan bone broth. 

 

I don’t know if I would have been able to save my marriage if it weren’t for the simple recipe for vegan bone broth that the Void taught me through the vastness of nothing. It’s not only extremely health, but tasty too!

 

5. I can now give gifts for the soul. 

 

Before VSM I used to give the worst gifts. I gave half-hearted attempts at knitting, candles I made while on an adderall bender, and old shoe laces I had stolen from my cousin. But then the Void taught me how to give gifts for the soul, and soon I was a gift giving master. My wife nearly bust a gut when I gave her the lost watch her father had given her before leaving in a spaceship to save the species. The Void truly understands how to give and silently absorb.

 

6. I’ve unlocked the secrets of a dying sun. 

 

The final reason why I recommend the Void Swallowing Method is because of the secrets of a dying sun the Void helped me unlock. If it weren’t for the Void’s omnipresence and complete abyss, I would never have been able to discover these secrets, these clues. Clues that might finally help us understand who we are in the universe. I guess that helped my marriage, but I’m more concerned with this now honestly.

 

And so completes the list. Remember folks, the only way to know if the Void Swallowing Method will work for you is if you try it!

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who mainly learned how to make sushi under the tutelage of the Void. Still pretty cool, I guess. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.