OOPSIES: Week of July 3rd, 2017

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A clerical error in early May caused the staff at Eritas to accidentally fire our OOPSIES writer, which has caused a number of lawsuits and awkward run-ins at the local succubus store. After a Fourth of July barbecue turned into an open confrontation in line for the bathroom, we realized the flub and have since rehired our OOPSIES writer, who has taken great pains to get us back on track ethically and professionally. To him we owe our organs, which we consider a legally binding statement per our dedication to every word we spill in ink.

 

In Monday’s post on the new ROAR exhibit at the Fort Worth Zoo featuring Trump the Tiger, several readers ask that we stick to writing the news and not write 500-word allusions to President Trump. We would like to clarify that our post was directed at Katy Perry’s song “ROAR,” understandably a few years old, but still on our minds to this day for its social message of animalistic courage in the face of a breakup.

 

More readers than we thought we had wrote in Tuesday to say that our five tips for the Fourth of July put them in financial debt, spiritual and emotional crises, and in sweet Chevy Trucks they felt they weren’t cool enough for. We have reported each of these readers to the Surveillance of Anti-American Activities Committee, which meets every third Sunday at the steakhouse next to the church. Get your affairs in order, ye mockers of patriotism.

 

After Wednesday’s interview with Ghost Jim, who revealed some troubling information about a supposed wyrm living within our parks system. The National Park System has since denied this story, asking that we not rely on unqualified insider sources that claim to know the inner workings of what is really going on, especially if those sources inhabit a spiritual realm. It should be noted that as the NPS sought to discredit Ghost Jim, their bodies all shot up 20 feet into the air, a beam of pure light shot directly through their hearts to the high heavens, and they began chanting in a monotone cadence, “To the Slime Lord we give our praise, for now, tomorrow, and all our days.” What this can mean only time will tell.

 

In contradiction to Thursday’s story that a dog humping a pillow at a wedding was completely missing the vibe, we at Eritas feel that the dog was reading the vibe quite accurately.

 

We want to warn readers not to attempt any of the items in the list of six things the Void did to save a marriage UNTIL you have allowed the Void to swallow you. Any items attempted beforehand will result in, as some unfortunate readers learned, immediate dismissal into the Soul Caverns, where joy-eating wyrms await. Additionally, some readers have asked what would happen should they attempt to marry the Void itself. We can only guess that such an attempt would go one of two ways: a heightened experience of the six items listed, or the end of all things. A real coin toss.

 

This post was written by Frank, who writes best. We’re sorry we fired you, Frank.

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