Well, it’s finally here. Game of Thrones fans across the globe have been waiting all year for tonight, the premiere of season 7 and the beginning of the end for the show. As the countdown begins for the last 13 episodes, everyone is wondering who will end up on the throne and truly win the Game. In order to make sure you, the viewer, are fully prepared for tonight’s premiere, we have put together a helpful guide to get you up to speed.
(Spoiler alert, kind of. I imagine you aren’t reading this if you care about spoilers.)
Let’s first start with one of the most polarizing characters on the show, Cersei Lannister. All you need to know about Cersei is that she is not messing around. In anything. She’s all business, all the time. Watch out. She just might drop a sept on you.
Next up we have heart-throb and Jesus metaphor, Jon Snow. Jon has had a rough go of it these last few seasons, what with being cold all the time and having to fight all of those frozen unicorns. While controversial within the fandom, I believe the first scene with the frozen unicorns was when Game of Thrones truly became president. All I hope for this next season is that there will be more ice / frozen unicorns for Jon to fight.
In a storyline no one cases about, Jon Snow’s friend, Sawmill Tarly is getting freaky with some books. He’s like at the citadel and he’s got like a baby that’s also named Sam? And his girlfriend is the girl from Skins, but the whole thing just feels kind of forced and I mean, unless Sam becomes an actual wizard, I don’t think the airtime dedicated to it will be worth it.
Moving on to Jon Snow’s father (well, actually maybe not), Ned Stark. Believe it or not, still dead.
Next in the Stark family, we have Sansa, the Finesse Queen. Sansa has been poorly written the last few seasons, what with the marriage and space-time paradox. But hopefully this next season will benefit from the addition of a female writer to the staff. We doubt it, but I just hope they resolve the Sansa/Uhuru tension from last season, otherwise the forums will hear about it.
Last Stark on the list (ouch), Arya is back at it again with the murder. Look for her to get a song sung to her by Ed Sheeran this season before cutting his tongue out and doing us all a big favor. Who even writes this show?
Let’s see, who else is there. Oh right, duh. Grover Cleveland is still the president of the United States in this season of Game of Thrones, but that seems obvious.
Out on the Narrow Sea, we have Dany and her gang of misfits. They are on a boat, and like Andy Sandberg, have a bright future ahead of them. I hope that in the series finale, they finally find earth and can put all of that Cylon nonsense behind them.
Finally, we have my favorite character, Tyrion Lannister. He’s my favorite character because he’s so smart and like, good. You know? Like, most characters in Game of Thrones are in this grey area, but you know Tyrion is a good guy. What with him murdering half a dozen people, committing unspeakable acts, and seeming to have no conscience, my favorite thing about him is that he is always drinking and making self-deprecating jokes. Just the best. Anyway, he’s plotting something and will be sure to be interesting this season. Fingers crossed that he wins the Throne.
Well, that’s just about all you need to know. Tune in to HBO at 9pm tonight to catch the latest and be able to understand all of the jokes at work tomorrow.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would probably die immediately if he was in the show. Just being honest. Follow him for more and probably some Game of Thrones rants on Twitter @NPEllwood.