Sorry Kids! This Movie Aimed at 4-10 Year Olds is Actually For Me


(Anaheim, CA) At this year’s D23 Expo, Disney fans rejoiced at the unveiling of the Wrinkle in Time trailer, behind the scenes footage from The Force Awakens, and America’s first public viewing of Walt Disney’s frozen head. However, soon after the announcement of Incredibles 2 coming out June of next year, many took it upon themselves to remind others who the movie is “actually for.” One angry Pixar fan tweeted, “Hey kids! Sorry, but this movie is for us. We’ve been waiting way longer than you! They should have adult-only viewings for the first week! #90sKid #PixarIsForUs.”


Soon, others began to retweet this and add their own support to the movement. “I run the social media for Alamo Drafthouse and thus I have the authority to declare that, like with the female-only screenings of Wonder Woman, we will do this!”


“I don’t want to see anyone born before 2000 in that theatre!” jumped in that friend of yours from high school.  They continued, “I know the first movie came out in 2004, but what 4-year-old would go see that movie? I was 8 and obviously had much a better understanding of the cinematic prowess of the film.”


“When I saw Finding Dory last year and had to listen to the sound of children’s laughter throughout, I had to roll my eyes. These fools didn’t get the subtle humor, they just liked when Dory forgot things! #idiots,” tweeted another perturbed millennial.


“As the CEO of Alamo Drafthouse,” replied Tim League. “I am rescinding our social media intern’s bold claim. This movie will be open to all ages, as, and I feel this goes without saying, it’s target audience is not in fact millennials, but children.”


Replying to this, former Vine star and current brand slut Cole LaBrant tweeted, “What a fascist this guy! You should exclude some people from this movie and only allow others based on specific qualifications. Duh. Did I mentioned I’ve had sex? #marriagerocks.”


It seems as though these people are confused by who this movie is being made for. It’s obviously not for millennials, but it is also not for kids either. This movie was made for me and me alone.


You see, ever since The Incredibles came out, I have not taken off my Syndrome costume that I sewed in preparation for the film’s release. I was under the impression that it wouldn’t take the people over at Pixar 14 years to make the most obvious sequel. Like, why make 3 Cars movies? Why?


Since I have yet to take off this Syndrome costume, I have lost my job, my boyfriend, and most of my friends. This is all I have been waiting for. This movie is for me.


I declare that there should be a Me-Only Screening of the film! I am more dedicated to this franchise than anyone else and I should be rewarded for my dedication. I’m already at the theater with my popcorn, hiding in the rafters, ready to make my play to take over this place and host a viewing just for me.


June 15th may be 11 months away, but waiting is easy for me. I’ve gotten lots of practice.




This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is still waiting for Bug’s Life 2 and hasn’t taken off his Princess Atta cosplay since 98, so get in line. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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