That’s right. Lock your doors and seal shut your windows, the birds are back and they are not to be trusted. We have just received a report from the Bird Watchers Association of America and Australia that birds of all shapes and sizes have been declared untrustworthy across the board and have nothing in their hearts but evil and malice. If you are the owner of a pet bird, you will want to especially keep an eye out as you might just be housing a spy.

It all started when some scientists over at the BWAAA decided to look into a question I am sure we have all asked in the dead of night: how many birds are there? It turns out that there is somewhere between 200 and 400 billion individual birds in the world. Billion with a B! Can you imagine just the raw power possessed by these co-inhabitants of ours on this place we call earth? The team decided that measures would need to be taken right away to ensure that birds could never rise up together and take over the world, because let us be clear: they could if they wanted to.

Now, you may be asking yourself, “why would this apply to me?” It applies to you because you might not realize this, but birds are everywhere. Next time you are outside of a grocery store just look at how many grackles are out and about. The trees are often crawling with these diseased murders, loudly demanding your attention while you are just trying to get to your car.

Birds are also incredibly good at thievery. The old expression “Never turn your back on a bird” did not come around by accident. Ever wonder where that t-shirt went that you liked? Birds stole it. Haven’t been able to find your keys? Sorry, but a bird got you. Putting up posters for your lost son? Waste of time. He’s with the birds now. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

So what is there to be done? Can we do anything to stop the inevitable tide of birds controlling our skies and reigning down terror in the form of horrid guano? Not to steal Obama’s thing, but Yes We Can.

The most important thing to remember is to never trust a bird. While they may seem nice or kind or inviting, they are devious creatures with far too many resources to not be taken seriously. It will take effort and constant vigilance, but unless we want our world to be crawling with even more foul creatures, we must take a stand. Do your part today and buy our book, Birds and the Endless Suffering, to learn more about what you can do to fight this mounting threat.

And remember, no word of this to the birds. We have surprise on our side for the moment, but once the war begins there is no telling what will need to be done. Choose a side or get lost in the shuffle. We have no time for compromises.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has never been pooped on by a bird, but has been pretty lucky regardless. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.