I Have Been Woke Since the Day I Was Born, What’s Your Excuse?


I have been woke since the day I was born. My first words were “Black Lives Matter” and I went on a hunger strike when I was 2 to protest Chinese treatment of Tibet. My entire life has been dedicated to every -ism in the book and I have read both Roxane Gay and Dostoyevsky. You think that being woke for so long has been easy? You don’t even know the half of it. My only question for you is, what’s your excuse? I gave all my 3rd birthday money to support saving the coral reef, you probably still shop at Whole Foods.


Like I said, none of this is easy. You think I always enjoy telling my friends about the trappings of 3rd wave feminism? Do you think I want to go to every protest with a different sign? Have you any idea the physical toll that carrying the weight of sins committed by forefathers when you truly understand just how problematic they were? No, you don’t. You just sit on your phone all day, sharing memes with your friends. Well, you know what I say? Let’s make justice the new meme, am I right?


One of my fonder memories from my childhood was when I lead a human rights campaign in North Korea. Myself and my childhood sweetheart, An-Kor, organized the entire undercover operation and were able to rescue 23 foreign journalists from almost certain death. I bet you spent your fifth birthday sick in bed because you were allergic to the pony your parents got you


The list of my woke accomplishments could fill a zine, and they do, but one of the hardest things I have ever done was say goodbye to my first true love because they simply weren’t woke enough. We had just gone to see the newest superhero movie and she hadn’t understood just how harmful the comments in the movie about the Senegalese were. If she couldn’t understand that, how could she ever understand my heart?


The life of a woke bae is not an easy one. I often find myself spending long evenings trying to convert Reddit trolls to the healing power of self-acceptance and personal responsibility, but hey, somebodies got to do it, right? Get out there and get woke. You’re already far behind me in my wokeness, but you should still try. I have been looking for a challenge.




This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who got woke after the second time he saw Inception. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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