“Find a Tunnel and Start Walking.” Meet the People Living in Your Local Tunnels


A new fad (or trend) among millennials is known to us only as “Tunneling.” Not the dictionary definition, dig or force a passage underground or through something, but the urban dictionary definition, living in the tunnel for the hell of it. We caught up with some of these hip tunnelers and got the inside scoop on what it’s like to live in a tunnel system. Welcome, to this week’s edition of Nothing Can Be True Always. 


Carl Slithertongue. Detroit, MI. I have been living in and out of tunnels since the 80s. Most engineers end up building their tunnels too big so there is plenty of room to roam around. I think I really found home in these tunnels, you know? The dark doesn’t judge you like my family always did. The dark doesn’t leave you at a gas station on Christmas. The dark loves me. The dark is me.”


Marge Blarge. Ice Cream Cone Town, FL. “The first people I met in my local tunnel was just a group of kids chewing Bubba Joe Gum and painting the walls Cosmic Black. I knew immediately that I was in a place that welcomed people of all walks of life. Living in the tunnel is actually a life choice, but that’s why I think we all get along.”


Greg McHoley. Portland, OR. “Find a tunnel and start walking. It’s really as simple as that.”


Kim Colonoscopy. Judas Priest, AZ. “Our tunnels out here are bone dry, just the way I like them. I love nothing more than to rob a local milkman and take a whole case of milk down into the tunnels to consume. Seriously, nothing gets me going like drinking cold milk in a dry sewer.”


Shiro Yu. Seattle, WA. “Oh my god I just got around to seeing Interstellar and wow, it just like blew my mind. I had no idea that time was like that. Really wrinkling my brain. But yeah, in answer to your question I did a stint in a tunnel for about 6 months in 2006 where I learned everything I needed to know in order to become the real estate mogul you see before you.”


Anthony Scaramucci. Washington, D.C. “The tunnels are home to me. But you know, every Slime King has to come out of the tunnels at some point and make real change. I hope that one day I will live in the White Tunnel and rule this land with an iron sludge-filled fist.”


Gil Faizon. Charmedimsure, NY. “Who even decides what constitutes as a tunnel? I have been down plenty of culverts in my time, but they were nothing but duds. Not true tunnels in my opinion. A tunnel has to have character. A tunnel needs to be built upon mystery. A tunnel should be a waking nightmare. A tunnel should haunt you.”


Jo Reagan. Grafton, VT. “I have only recently starting going into the tunnels at night. It reminds me of my former love, Gloria. Oh how she loved the tunnels, especially sewers. Anywhere she could just splash around and be completely enveloped in darkness. That was really her spot. Now I come down here alone, as Gloria no longer exists on this plane. One day I will be with her again, but for now I plod silently through tunnels of the realm, searching for a mystery to unveil or a heart to be won and broken. One of these tunnels will lead me to you, but until then I will search, and the search will become my life. My life is a search for you, I hope that one day I find you.”


Sean Bean. Los Angeles, CA. “Tunnels good.”


Tunnel manager Andy Coen says that the tunnels are most congested in mid-November due to weather conditions and the Ancient Call. If you are planning on doing some tunneling this fall, check your reservations and be sure to call ahead to make sure that the tunnels won’t be too full for you and your family to have a good time. We do not advise that you ever enter the tunnels. Far too much has already been lost.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves the tunnels because the tunnels are where the Slime Men come from and everybody loves the Slime Men. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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