(Denver, CO) I cannot believe this. I have never been so mad in my whole life. I went to the Starbucks down on 37th street and as I went to grab my tasty treat I noticed some writing under the lid. I quickly took off the lid to discover that someone had written “No More War” on the inside of my cup. I knew that I had been got by a Liberal and would soon end up on their tumblog or whatever you call it. I have just had enough of this violence against me and all that I stand for.

I quickly asked to speak with a manager and was told that the blonde woman at the register was who I should speak with. As a manager of a small paper supply company, I know a thing or two about management and she did not look like management material. I approached her and said, “Excuse me ma’am, but one of your employees wrote ‘No More War’ on the inside of my coffee cup. What do you have to say about this?”

The manager looked confused by this man’s sudden outburst, but kept her cool and replied, “I’m sorry I guess? I don’t know what you want from me here, dude.” She then turned back to her employee that she was training during a down period. I could not believe how rude she was to me, especially after seeing the vile thing I had discovered in my cup!

I went home, fuming and full of rage. I decided to put those emotions to good use and called up the Better Business Bureau to issue a complaint about that particular Starbucks location. Unfortunately, since Starbucks is a part of a large corporation, you cannot rate them individually. However, Yelp does not have such stipulations, and they heard exactly what I had to say.

I will never be spending my money on this liberal, constitution-hating establishment ever again. I knew that they hated Christmas, but I had no idea that they were against War too. What kind of corporation are they running over there? Maybe all of that weed in Seattle is getting to them.

In the end, all I hope is that Dunkin’ can fulfill all of my wildest coffee and donut dreams. Because Americans run on Dunkin’, and you’re not an American if you drink Starbucks. There. I said it.

Boom.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who always get’s called “Vangor, Destroyer of Gods” at Starbucks. Idk why they do that. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.