(Austin, TX) It was only a matter of time, honestly. Austin had been growing out of control and the other cities in Texas were starting to grow worried. What is a state without its capitol? What is Texas without Austin? Dallas, Houston, and other Texas cities decided that enough was enough. They decided to host an intervention for Austin, as their fellow cities, and bring this nonsense to an end once and for all. Little did they know the calamity that would follow.
When Austin first walked in, a chill went throughout the room. I mean, this was the coolest city in Texas we were talking about. SXSW was hosted there. We had a lot to consider, to say the least.
It wasn’t until San Antonio gave the opening address that the other cities realized the gravity of situation. “I come here together, brothers, to formally condemn the city of Austin. They have for too long gone against the Texan code that dictates that we all must be clean and of sound mind and body. That we must worship the Lone Star. We must be ready for the Wars To Come.
Whataburger, chief council and dictator of Texas, was next on the stand. “Austin, you make me wish you weren’t a part of Texas. Why don’t you just move to Portland already? That’s where you want to live. Those are your people. Why not join them already? I know you’ll miss our honey butter chicken biscuits, but in the end, it will probably be worth it. Just move to Portland. Please.”
Dallas was soon to follow. “Seriously dude, what are you doing? Your downtown area isn’t scary enough. You don’t have enough suburbs. Who do you even think you are? Just because a bunch of California rejects decided to move to your city doesn’t mean you are cool, it just means that you are influenced by a bunch of people not cool enough to write a screenplay. Just, like, stop trying to be so cool.”
Houston brought the pain with their statement. Warning: it’s not pretty. “Austin, man, we should have been capital long ago. All you and your people know how to do is drink, drink, drink. Being “weird” doesn’t mean being “drunk all of the time,” but I guess that is open to interpretation. Whatever man. We got all of the good stuff here in Houston, what do you got? Torchy’s? There is like five of those in Houston bro. You got nothing.”
Even smaller cities like El Paso and Amarillo joined in. “You think just because you have a river means you are cool,” said El Paso. “Anyone can have a river. It’s not even that hard.”
“I would much rather have snow than scattered thunderstorms you dumb slut,” said Amarillo. “I hope your city is the first on North Korea’s list.”
At this point, Austin had taken a severe beating. They were hardly standing and some of the other Texas cities almost even felt bad. But then, resilient as ever, Austin came back at them. “Dallas, you are so boring, you had to build three bridges for people to talk about your river. Houston, you are so diverse and so big, you keep doing you. San Antonio, just chill man. Either be a knock-off Dallas or be a knock-off Austin. Being right in the middle does nothing for anyone.”
“And Lubbock,” said Austin, with a fury. “You could be completely absorbed and redistributed by an alien army and no one would notice. Like, what even is your point?”
With that, Austin left the room, and the other Texas cities didn’t know what to do. Austin had not responded to their intervention, what else was there left to do?
It turns out: nothing. Austin, as capitol city, was impervious to other’s attempts to intervene so I guess they can do whatever they want. Huh. Kind of an odd law, but I guess that’s just the way things go. Oh well.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who cannot wait to get out of Texas because like say whaaaat? Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.