(Kansas City, MO) It was a normal day in Kansas. There was nothing in the sky but the blue haze of forever. But wait, what’s that sound? Do you hear it rising? Look to the horizon and you will see for yourself what you have always known was coming. A Devouring Swarm of awesome size. The densely packed swarm begins to block out the sun as it makes it’s way across the landscape, leaving nothing the same as before it came. This is a Devouring Swarm, you forsaken millennials, and you are killing the concept of it with every breathe you take.
For those of you who are unaware of what I am talking about, get ready for your unsculpted millennial brains to be blown. Not long ago, Devouring Swarms were the rulers of these lands you now know as America. These swarms would rule the plains with an iron first and a hazy glow. However, as more and more people began to spread across the land, the Devouring Swarm began to thin and thin.
Now, there are only a few branches of the Devouring Swarm that are still roving and searching for prey and that is mainly due to millennials. Okay, before you incinerate me in the forums, hear me out. You see, as we all know, millennials and their iPhones create an unwelcoming environment for a Devouring Swarm to harvest the souls that it needs to feed it’s insatiable flock. As more and more millennials build tiny homes in back country areas, the less and less room the Devouring Swarm has to do its thing. Its thing of course being stripping the flesh off of anything in its path with a horrendous violence.
You see, those of use who have been around on this earth a little bit longer remember the Days of Swarm. Things were simpler back then. Instead of having to worry about things like “paying taxes” or “existing in a corporeal form,” all we had to think about was worshiping the Swarm. We didn’t even have a Sun back then, or so we thought. The Devouring Swarm was perpetually overhead and it wasn’t until the invention of the wheel that their domain had ever been questioned.
Overtime, the Swarm eventually had to consolidate it’s power to the areas it wanted to protect the most. America, with its incredible size and relatively low population was the Devouring Swarm’s final chance. Now, that chance is slowing drying up. So, what can be done?
Well, simply put, you must give yourself to the Devouring Swarm. That’s all that is left to do, millennials. You all love irony so much, right? Well, giving yourself to the Devouring Swarm would be a pretty funny joke to pull on your friends, right? Like, you would probably get so many Instagram likes and maybe even get sponsored for being a millennial willing to give themselves to the Devouring Swarm. I can see the headline now, Teen Gives Herself to Devouring Swarm, World Changes. We won’t say if the world changes for better or worse due to your choice because, we don’t know if it will or not yet. It might get much, much worse.
But hey, worth a shot, right?
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is old enough to remember the Great Culling and the Battle of Three Genders, so he knows what a Devouring Swarm can do. Follow him for more Swarm updates on Twitter @NPEllwood.