Local Man Realizes He Has Standards


(St. Petersburg, FL) It was a groggy Thursday morning and Bill Gruthers was about to reheat his coffee for the fourth time that day. As he watched the coffee cup spin through the microwave window, Bill thought about how nuked the molecules in his coffee probably were at that point. A second before the microwave was to ding, Guthers stopped the timer in its tracks. He then brought the coffee to his lips and as the first drops tickled his tongue, he knew his mistake. He immediately threw the coffee away and spit out the horrid sludge occupying his mouth into the sink. “Wow, this is some bad coffee,” he said, discovering a whole new side to himself.


The rest of the day was full of Bill discovering new things about himself. After throwing out his old coffee, he did not brew a new cup. No, Bill was a new man you see. Bill ordered an Uber to take him to a coffee emporium so that he could engage the American tradition of sitting around a coffee shop for hours on end.


Why an Uber, you might be asking? Well, New Bill likes to listen to podcasts, but he can’t focus on them when he is driving. So, instead of wasting that valuable time by driving and listening to rap music or some other ruckus, New Bill gets to enjoy a podcast and practice his acting skills by playing different characters with each Uber driver.


I wonder who is Billing going to be today.


“Ello mate.”


Oh god. I hate this character. I figured now that Bill had standards he would realize how low brow this humor was and that a more subtle approach would achieve the optimal comedy. What a loon. We will skip ahead to the coffee shop.


“Hi, my name is Bill and I would like some Good Coffee.”


“Yes sir. Here at Good Coffee it is our pleasure to serve you Good Coffee and Good Coffee products. What would you like to have today?”


“I would like your Super Good Good Slam with no whip.”


“Your total has been deducted from your account. It was our pleasure to serve. Your Super Good Good Slam will be out shortly.”


Bill made his way over to wait by the coffee dispensary, making sure not to be lurking over any strangers just trying to play League of Legends in peace. About a minute later, another barista announced “Bill, your Super Good Good Slam is ready at the counter.”


“Thank you,” Bill said, happy with his overall experience at the Good Coffee establishment. He then took a sip and right away he deducted a star from his yelp review. He quickly turned around and in a very New Bill way, asked the employee “Um, I said no whip creme? This is practically nothing but whip.”


“Oh my goodness. We are so sorry. I will fix this. Please, do not think less of Good Coffee for my mistakes. Good Coffee is your friendly neighbor, a guiding star in a pitch black night. I, a lowly human, should not be judged as part of Good Coffee the corporation.”


“OK, it’s not a problem. Can you just swap it out?”


“Yes of course, sir. Right away.” The employee took his cup and went to correct their mistake.


The rest of Bill’s day was full of him realizing he had standards. It was incredible. I wish you could have seen it. Unfortunately, part of New Bill’s “standards” is not allowing me to follow him around and write about everything he does anymore. So, you know, whatever Bill. Congrats I guess.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would never have standards. Standards are for nerds. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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