(Normal, IL) Oh the Suburbs. The ‘Burbs, if you’ll allow me. The Suburbs taught us how to live. If it weren’t for the Suburbs, how would any of us have a drivers license or access to a large amount of firearms? The Suburbs taught us things like fishing, for sport but also to survive. The Suburbs taught us how to make our own ice, for a time when ice becomes out most valuable resource. What else did the Suburbs teach us?

 

Well, you don’t have to wonder any longer. We have put together a list of 7 things that the Suburbs taught us. Might want to strap on the ol’ nostalgia cap, because we are about to go on a trip down memory lane.

 

1. Always have a second fridge. Always. 

The Suburbs taught us early on that times would not always be as good as we had had them. There was a time of famine coming and the Suburbs knew it was coming soon. “Stock up on liquids, especially with caffeine or electrolytes. Soon the time will come when they will be more valuable than gold.” This prophecy was revealed to us by fellow Suburban Jim Stinsly. Thank you for your sacrifice, Jim.

 

2. Lock every door behind you. You never know what might be following you. 

Growing up, I knew every single person on my street. I knew intimate details about all of their lives. I knew their social security numbers and I was their emergency contacts. But still, the Suburbs taught us that we must lock every door behind us. Even though you might know your neighbors, you never know what might be following you. The Suburbs knows who is following you and they do not want you to come to any harm, so please, lock every door behind you. It’s important to your health as a Suburban.

 

3. Rage.

The Suburbs taught us what rage truly was by displaying the rage of the Suburbs whenever it felt necessary. Tornados, monsoons, alien invasions. All part of the Suburbs display of it’s inglorious rage. We now rage ourselves, every night as we try to fall asleep. We rage so that we might become a part of the storms.

 

4. The dangers of communism and the glorious gluttony of capitalism. 

The Suburbs, as you know, is not for everybody. Only certain members are called to become Suburbans. This is completely random, and in no way a symptom of a larger issue of segregation based on race and class in America. The Suburbs also taught us that communism had no place in the Suburbs. Capitalism was the only way. Capitalism is what allows you to own a bigger house than almost everyone else on the planet. Capitalism and the Suburbs, truly a match made in the dreams of Walt Disney’s frozen head.

 

5. When someone knocks, you run like hell. 

No one has ever knocked at your door with good intentions. What, you think mail men don’t have ulterior motives? Then I guess you aren’t #WOKE. Run like hell as soon as you hear the first knock. Don’t listen to see if they try the doorbell. Don’t wait and see what kind of knock they do. Don’t even stay for the second knock. By the first pause of this knocking pattern, you need to be in the backyard using your trampoline as a catapult to get through the woods and into the bunker before it’s too late.

 

6. Neighbors rearranged spells “Evil Doers” so don’t trust anyone. Not even your mom. 

The Suburbs has a terrible jealously and does not like us associating with our neighbors. The Suburbs thrives off of our loneliness and our anxiety. The Suburbs takes these things from us with force and does not let go. The Suburbs has not let me go. I want to be let go.

 

7. Don’t even think about ever ripping the tag off of a mattress unless you don’t mind eternal suffering. 

The final epitaph of the Suburbs is that you must never rip off the tag on the bottom of a mattress. For some reason, the Suburbs really wants to keep all of these mattresses in tact. Some scholars believe that the mattresses will be called to be used for a greater purpose in the days to come, while others simply subscribe to the belief that everything is meaningless. Just, please don’t rip off your mattress tags unless you want eternal damnation and more of the Suburb’s rage.

 

Wow. Wasn’t that fun?

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has been a Suburban his entire life and hopes to escape from the slimy maw of the Suburbs soon. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.