Tired of the same old blasé food that so often plagues the busy, the students, and those strapped for cash? Here are a few ways to spice up that tried and true standby: instant ramen noodles.

 

Ramen a la Blair Witch

What you’ll need:

• 1 packet of ramen noodles
• 2 human teeth (bloody)
• 6 inches human hair
• 1 cup snotty tears
• Salt (to taste)
• Mossy twigs (to taste)

 

How to make:

This dish is best served in soup form. Boil the teeth and mossy twigs with the noodles in the cup of snotty tears for as long as the packet suggests, and add in the hair after. I included salt on the list of ingredients, but you shouldn’t need much, as the blood from the teeth and the tears should give a salty flavor to the mix. For added oomph, sprinkle with some dirt from your local forest, and serve with a buttered stone.

 

Silent Hill Ramen

What you’ll need:

• 1 packet of ramen noodles
• Hell fire
• 1 whole bottle of Everclear
• A creepy nurse outfit
• Salt (to taste)
• 1 cup ash

 

How to make:

This is a really simple recipe, as most of the prep is in the presentation. Served in pasta form (as opposed to soup form), this dish should be prepared by boiling it over an open Hell fire flame (if you can’t get real Hell fire, store bought is fine). Mix the ash and salt into the water, then add noodles, and cook for the time directed on the packaged. Once you have it finished and in a dish, douse it in Everclear and light it on fire Baked Alaska style, and eat while wearing your best creepy nurse outfit. Whether or not you wait until the flame is out to consume is up to you.

 

Ramen Gangnam Style

What you’ll need:

• 1 packet of ramen noodles
• 1 pair of sick sunglasses
• 1 cup of your favorite horse feed
• 1 egg
• 2 tbsp chili powder
• Salt (to taste)
• Assorted veggies (to taste)

 

How to make:

Prepare this ramen soup-style, boiling the veggies, chili powder, noodles, and horse feed all together. Once finished, place your sunny-side up egg on top of the soup, put on you Psy-approved sunglasses, and consume, preferably in an elevator.

 

Ramen Wonderwall Surprise

What you’ll need:

• 1 packet of ramen noodles
• 1 cup ground-up brick
• 2 tsp. battery acid
• 1 whole bottle of vodka
• At least one drunk friend with a guitar to watch you make the dish

 

How to make:

Prepare this ramen soup-style, while at least one friend is playing “Wonderwall” on his acoustic guitar. Boil it not in water, but in the vodka, while stirring in the ground-up bricks. Once the boiling is done, pour the mix into a bowl, and add the battery acid. Serve with the rest of the vodka as your drink.

 

Make Ramen Great Again Ramen

What you’ll need:

• 1 packet of ramen noodles
• 1 really crappy attitude towards the poor
• 2 cups white privilege
• 2 tbsp. salt
• 1 golf ball
• ½ pound taco meat (unseasoned)

 

How to make:

The perfect dish for entertaining! Serve non-soup style. Boil the noodles with the unseasoned taco meat, salt, and white privilege, then strain and serve with the equally bland golf ball garnish. Best enjoyed with the attitude and a Screwdriver that’s mostly vodka.

 

 

 

 

 

This was written by Maggie, who absolutely does NOT suggest that any of the above recipes are consumed. NEVER EAT BATTERY ACID. And also don’t harvest human teeth. Follow her on Twitter @MadMaggs21!