Hello and good tidings to you, dear friend. We here at Eritas Daily are concerned about the well-being of our readers, which is why we have decided to start a bi-monthly health column that will slowly unveil the secrets of personal well-ness to you one by one every other week. In this inaugural edition of what we are currently calling Preserving Your Flesh, with Eritas Daily we have a simple question for you: have you taken time lately to consider the Moon?

As every doctor and psychologist ever born will tell you, considering the moon is of the upmost importance to maintaining a well-balanced and healthy lifestyle. In fact, other than eating an avocado, basking in the glow of a moonbeam is the most healthy thing you can do. Trust me, I read an article about it. Or, more specifically, the headline to an article. Same diff.

Considering the moon also has massive benefits when it comes to preserving your flesh. This is important for health and wellness, trust us. You want your flesh to be just right for when the time comes. Just think of how excited your friends and family will be when they see your beautiful preserved flesh! They will remark at the great condition it is in.

And really, that’s our goal with this whole health initiative. We really need you to doing the fitness movement and start preserving your flesh today. Wouldn’t want to be caught unaware without preserved flesh lying around, would we?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ve said too much. I shouldn’t have used the word “flesh” so much. My doctor says that I need to stop fixating on flesh so much, but he also told me that moonbeams have no effect on my health, so what does he know anyway? Whatever, I need to stick on message.

Preserve your flesh, with Eritas Daily. Preserve your flesh with Eritas Daily. Preserve your flesh for Eritas Daily. Preserve your flesh for an unknown but sacred and forbidden ritual for Eritas Daily. We could really use your help.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who really does apologize for all the f-bombs (flesh). Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.