(Billings, MT) There is a growing scourge upon our society that no one is willing to talk about, but I am. I can no longer stay silent. We, as a nation, have come too far to let destiny slip through our fingers. Which is why, I must say the following: get on my level, Normies! I am tired of having to explain my next-level actions to you. I exist on a higher plain and I will not lower myself to your level.
I first knew that I had surpassed the Normies when I was only 3 years old. I had just learned to talk, and when I uttered my first words, I did not say “Momma” or “Dada” like some common folk. No, my first words were “Tangible Byproducts of Late Capitalism.” I had read it on Wikipedia earlier that day and wanted to have a lively discussion with my parents about the topic, but instead they just laughed and said “That’s our Tevin,” like absolute Normy trash.
Over the next 15 years of being “raised” by my parents, I learned all that I could from them and got out of there. While yes, they gave me nourishment, a place to call home, and unrelenting love, it was me who forged my own path and now live in an apartment they pay for. But that’s just because it’s really hard to make money as a artisan jeweler now. I mean, I got my own website and everything.
Now, it’s ten years later and while yes, my parents are still paying my rent, I have completely eradicated their Normy ways from my bloodstream. I now live a life free of the societal bounds. I can do anything I want.
And yes, what I choose to do is get angry at McDonalds about a made up sauce from my favorite TV show. This is not something that you Normies would understand, though. This was a matter only fit for higher beings. I’m not sorry.
You know what? I never will be. I will never be satisfied by a world full of Normies. This is why I am starting a campaign to launch me to Mars because I want my name to go down in history as the first Martian. And yes, I am going to wear my slug helmet and full body suit the entire time. You’ll all just have to deal with it.
The hashtag is #SendTevinToMars. Tell a friend, even if they are a Normy. Normies still got money to spend boyyyy. Okay, peace. Haha, I’m so a bad at goodbyes.
This article was written by a total Normball, Nathan Ellwood. Follow him for more Normcore on Twitter @NPEllwood.