Don’t be alarmed, but something is not quite right. You may have noticed a recent absence. At this point we are not exactly sure where the sun has gone, but we do know that we can’t seem to find it anywhere. Have you seen it? Boy, we really feel lost without our glowing, life-giving orb. What are we going to do? If this the sun doesn’t come back soon, who knows what might happen.
Let’s review the facts. At around 11am on Wednesday morning, something happened. We are not sure what, but the consequence of this action was that the sun disappeared from our sky. So-called astronomers have tried to tell us that if the sun were truly gone, we would all have died mere minutes after the sun left. Since we haven’t, we again have proof that these men are false prophets and do not deserve our mercy.
The second weird thing that happened was that the light in the sky remained, despite a complete lack of sun. This is also why it took us awhile to notice the absence of our great celestial light, because the light is still coming from somewhere. We don’t have time to figure out how that is happening, if you didn’t hear the SUN IS MISSING FROM OUR SKY AND I AM FREAKING OUT MAN.
Sorry, I am getting away from myself. We were reviewing the facts, not declaring emotions. Soon after the sun’s disappearance was made public, many cults and similar organizations began to take credit for the removal of the sun. For instance, the Scientologists claimed this was all part of the Slime God’s plan, while a man on the street I spoke with told me he had “finally killed that demon in the sky.” Who knows who to believe?
The final piece of information we have on the sun’s disappearance is merely the sun’s personal Facebook account. Just before the disappearance, the sun made an update that read: Feeling kind of blue, gonna go kick it in the andromeda galaxy for a bit. If you need me while I’m gone, you can also reach the Void. Peace. xoxo.
We asked the Void for help, but as always, the Void is indifferent, so we are still no better off than when we started. Again, this is why we need you to tell us if you find any trace of where the sun has gone. The Void won’t be able to sustain us forever, we must have our sun back, and we must have it back soon.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who honestly prefers the Void. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.