Hi. My name is Daniel MacYntire and I am proud of my beliefs. One belief I have is that beards and beanies are the Ultimate Look™. Another belief I have is that I am special as a human, despite all the evidence. But I’m not here to talk about these beliefs, no. Today I am here to talk to you about a belief I hold close to my heart: I am not going to smoke until everyone can smoke.

Yes, that’s right. Like the groundbreaking activists would do in the year 2007 where they would not get married until everyone (meaning the LBGTQUIA+ community) could get married. Scholars would have us believe that many so-called “wokebros” would say this as a way to get out of ever making a commitment in their lives. But, what do scholars know, am I right?

I am choosing to take up my own cross to bear and will not be smoking until everyone can smoke. I simply believe that it would be unfair to my 17 and younger friends and loved ones that are not allowed to smoke under the current rule of the land. I believe that this is unfair and that everyone, no matter their age, race, sexual orientation, or favorite Wes Anderson movie should be able to light up whenever they want.

I remember when I was oppressed by this horrid shadow government that we all claim to love. It was terrible. I mean, I still haven’t smoked because of the cause, but that is just so I can better relate to my oppressed brethren.

Now, I will admit that there has been some pushback on my campaign from non-smokers. They keep telling me that smoking is “bad for you” and that “laws are there for a reason,” but I don’t buy that. Laws used to restrict us from marrying who we want, but they don’t anymore. That’s called progress, Martha, and I don’t appreciate your tone.

Another critic of mine (Ruth!) had the nerve to insist that I was somehow to blame for kids smoking too early. I kept telling her that I am not advocating for them to be smoking all the time, but for them to have the freedom to do so if they choose. What’s so wrong about that? I’m dropping my pin Ruth, come thru if you’re not afraid.

I encourage others to take up the pledge and not smoke until everyone is allowed to smoke. We are going to have a Mill-About in front of city hall next week with guest speaker Glen Turnover on the need for less government oversight on his tomato farm. Come out with the family, it’s sure to be a real treat!

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves a good Mill-About. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.