(Eastport, ME) It is in this town of nothing but small islands that we find a woman that we all owe a debt of gratitude that we will never be able to repay. Michelle Python is not your ordinary citizen. No, she is above us on every possible level because she keeps us safe, she keeps us secure, and she keeps us free. Why have I not heard of this woman before? Because she is a humble soul who cares only for her duty. For it is Michelle that screams at the sun every morning so that you don’t have to.
That’s right. Many of you may not know this, but until Michelle took up her post in Eastport in 1992, there used to be mandatory sunrise screaming sessions for all US citizens. Like many old traditions, it was weird and kind of a pain in the ass if we are being honest, which is why we owe so much to Michelle. She has taken it upon herself to yell at the sunrise every single morning so that we common folk can catch some extra z’s and hit snooze on our alarm seven times.
Yes, every time that you have slept an extra few minutes in the morning, that was because of Michelle. Every time you never even set an alarm, that only happened because of Michelle. Michelle is the reason we have the freedom to not scream at the sun. Although I know I am in the minority here when I say that I don’t miss the screaming sessions. Many Americans still scream at the sun every morning, but traditions mean more to some than others.
But even those who still scream at the sun every morning owe respect to Michelle. For it is Michelle who gets the first scream in every morning. You see, Michelle didn’t come to Eastport for the crab (although it is fantastic), she came here because it is the first place in these here United States that you can see the rising sun. She fires the first attack and those who continue to scream join her from Maine to Washington, until that dreadful beast is beyond our horizon.
Then, as the moon rises we all begin to feel at peace. For the moon is who we love. The moon is who we scream at the sun for. You can talk all you want about religion, but the moon means more to me than any god. For by the moon do we learn the stars and seas. By the moon we wake and rise. The sun is nothing but a foul devil from beyond our earth. The sun deserves our screams.
And Michelle deserves our love. After all, Michelle never gets the luxury of sleeping in. It is her duty to be there, waiting for the bastard sun everyone morning. It is her job to launch the first yowl of humanity fighting back. One day, Michelle will lead us into the sun to finally kill the beast once and for all. Until then, we have nothing but our screams.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like to show you this. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.