Good afternoon. Happy Thanksgiving and all that, I guess. Just your local #wokeboi here to tell you all that you are living a sham. Yes, that’s right, the meal you have been waiting for all year might taste a little different after we drop this bombshell. You may never be able to look at a cranberry sauce the same way again. We will admit that we do expect some resistance from this hot take, but the sheeple must be awakened for the revolution to begin. Don’t buy into their lies, Thanksgiving is just food prepping with more steps!
Now, who is this “they” we are referring to? Listen pal, if you don’t even know who “they” are, you won’t be able to keep up and I’m on too much of a roll to explain it right now.
For the rest of you that understand what I mean when I say “they,” let’s talk. Since the beginning of this wretched country we have celebrated the pilgrims and native Americans coming together as one and fighting the great lizard god, Trent. The ‘T’ in Thanksgiving actually stands for Trent, whom they defeated. Then, the white people decided they kind of like defeating Trent and decided to turn their attention to the native Americans. This, as we know, did not turn out well.
Now we celebrate this holiday by stuffing our faces and indulging in gluttony. News flash nerds, this is exactly what Trent wanted! While the pilgrims thought they had defeated Trent, he actually was brought back by native Americans due to the white people turning on them. And now, the entire country is cursed due to our ignorance!
We are forced to meal prep enough food for an entire week and then eat it all in one day, Trent’s favorite activity. How much longer are we going to allow Trent to rule our lives every single year? How much more of his gluttony can we take?
For those of us who want to take another shot at defeating Trent, we are meeting behind the downtown 7/11 later to brainstorm ideas. Without the original tribesmen, it may be impossible, but we’ll have a fun time hanging out at 7/11 later anyway. So come on down and most importantly, don’t let Trent win!
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who Trent if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Follow him for more hot takes on Twitter @NPEllwood.